As usual, Louis will be perched at the end of the table awkwardly comparing contestants of ethnic minorities to famous people of the same ethnic minority, despite the fact they bear little to no resemblance. To his left, Cheryl will be returning to share her wealth of knowledge on vocal talent, while Simon will also be back, raising his hand at any given moment to create the necessary disequilibrium required in each episode. Cue a second, more successful song, a standing ovation from the crowd and an Emeli Sandé outro leading us into the 27th advert break. Oh X Factor, it’s like you’ve become a parody of yourself…
But there’s one lady that I’m pinning all my hopes on to save the series, and that lady is the magnificent Mel B. Why? Allow me to expand…
She’s just a normal, relatable girl.
Cheryl may like to pretend that she’s still ‘Cheryl from the council estate’, but we all know she’s changed. Melanie, on the other hand, has kept it real since day one. Despite her relatively gargantuan fortune, she’s still the type of girl you can imagine eating a kebab on the bus home, spilling curry sauce on her laddered tights and mouthing off because her mate Donna copped off with her ex, Tyrone, while she was in the queue for a crate of Stella at the off-licence on the way home.
Her clothing line was fantastic and it’s a travesty that it no longer exists.
In 2008, Mel B followed in the footsteps of fellow Spice alumnus Victoria Beckham and delved into the world of high fashion. The range, which was fabulously titled Catty Couture, was dripping with leopard-print and marketed towards “the fun-loving girl about town”. A write up in Marie Claire stated; “If you are a fan of Mel’s often brash style, then this is the clothing range for you.” Unfortunately, it seemed that not many people were a fan of Mel’s “often brash style”, and the collection was demoted to bargain bins everywhere.
Nevertheless, I say Mel should cash in on the nine lives of her cat and use The X Factor as a platform to bring back the couture.
She was responsible for this iconic hairstyle in Spiceworld: The Movie.
She’s forever trying to get the Spice Girls back together.
The Spice Girls reunion that everybody had been hoping for finally came to fruition in 2007. It was a magical affair that gave the kids of the ’90s the closure they needed following Geri’s dramatic departure. In 2012, we were treated once more, as they gave a one-off performance at the closing ceremony of the London Olympics. But Melanie is still not content, insisting that the Spice Girls will get back together again one day, despite the fact that Victoria would rather buy her next set of shoes from Primark. Even when she’s not saying it outright, you can feel the thirst on Twitter, with every #ThrowbackThursday used as an excuse to crack out photos from the good old days. All that’s missing is a Bo’ Selecta mask and an utterance of “I’M GETTIN’ TH’BAND BACK TOGETHER!”.
She’s not afraid to pull a wedgie out of the depths of her crack, even if the paparazzi are watching.
She is responsible for one of the most amazing and criminally underrated pop bangers and videos ever.
In 2013, Melanie released a comeback single, which quite frankly should have done a lot better than it did. Not only was the song an absolute banger (honestly, I challenge you not to like it), but its accompanying video was a masterpiece. Shot in Wysteria Lane, it showed a slightly awkward Mel B running around and dancing as though it were the Wannabe video shoot all over again. Highlights include the part where she almost falls over while doing a ‘spinny run’ (1m56s), the uncomfortable Miley Cyrus-esque tongue action, and best of all, the bizarre lesbian snog with herself. But don’t just take my word for it; watch the video in full here below! Who knows? If her X Factor stint proves to be a success, this could be the surprise hit of 2014…