If there’s one thing we can count on from American Horror Story, aside from nonsensical plot twists and acting that verges on scenery-chewing, its the presence of America’s sweetheart Evan Peters.
The actor, who has the most adorable face ever molded over a skull, is one of only two actors who have appeared in every season of the show (the other is Sarah Paulson). His characters have ranged from a homicidal ghost, to a wrongly imprisoned inhabitant of an asylum, and another homicidal ghost.
While he is a very fine actor, we can’t help but see Evan as the show’s eye candy, always there to distract from the more disgusting elements of the show.
To mark the upcoming premiere of American Horror Story: Cult, here is the ultimate ranking of the hotness of Evan’s characters, from least attractive to most:
7. Cult, Kai Anderson
A blue-haired, Trump-obsessed cult leader with blue hair and a thing for clowns? No thank you. Evan’s Cult character Kai Anderson definitely isn’t one to take home to your mother.
6. Roanoke, Edward Philippe Mott/Rory Monahan
The plot of American Horror Story: Roanoke, which involved a group of actors taking part in a dramatisation of a haunted house story, meant that Evan actually played two characters. We can totally get behind Rory Monahan, the hot ‘dude bro’ actor dating Sarah Paulson, but the same can’t be said for Edward Philippe Mott, the character Rory plays on the show within a show My Roanoke Nightmare. That powdered wig is a total turn-off, even if he did enjoy the occasional homosexual encounter with his staff.
5. Murder House, Tate Langdon
Sure, his character Tate is cute as fuck with his mop of hair and brooding personality. But on the other hand, he is a total fucking psycho who emotionally manipulates his girlfriend Violet (Taissa Farmiga) and he did kill a whole bunch of people in a school shooting. Plus the whole him being a ghost thing would make things pretty difficult. He couldn’t exactly take you out for a night on the town. If anything, Tate just proves that good looks aren’t everything.
4. Hotel, James Patrick March
This one is another murderer, but he’s slightly hotter so he gets away with it. His character James March is an eccentric hotelier, who also happens to be an incredibly prolific serial killer. Based on real life murderer HH Holmes, who operated his own ‘murder hotel’ in 19th century Chicago, March built the season’s eponymous hotel in order to better dispose of his increasing body count.
March may not be to everyone’s taste (the moustache alone provokes strong reactions on both sides), but we are huge fans of his perfectly coiffed hair, old school suits, and incredibly affected accent. He is also obsessed with The Countess (played by Lady Gaga), so there’s something we have in common already. Like Tate, March is technically a ghost, but he’s a rich ghost who owns a hotel so …
3. Freak Show, Jimmy Darling
Jimmy Darling is just a country boy who wants to settle down and enjoy a quiet life, but he’s sort of preoccupied with his role in Elsa Mars’ (Jessica Lange) freak show. When Dandy (Finn Wittrock) starts causing trouble for the merry band of freaks by picking them off one by one, Jimmy stands up for his friends, making him even more attractive than his super hot Elvis-inspired hairdo already suggests.
His idealism may have lost Jimmy both of his hands, but it won him the love of conjoined twins Bette and Dot, making them the most adorable throuple ever seen on television. Do they need a fourth?
2. Coven, Kyle Spencer
Okay, we know Kyle is technically a zombie, but he’s a total sweetheart. He just mopes around the coven looking all sad, and we want to make him feel better any way we can. Plus, when his dismembered body was put back together by witches Madison (Emma Roberts) and Zoe (Farmiga), they made sure to take the best body parts from his deceased frat brothers. So he’s like the perfect man.
1. Asylum, Kit Walker
This is Evan at peak hotness. Brought into the asylum after being mistaken for the serial killer Bloody Face, Kit made the sorry place immediately hotter just by walking through the door. The hair. The eyes. The skin. The scene where he gets caned by Sister Jude (Lange). We could do without the alien stuff, or the hippy transformation in the later episode, but who among us is perfect?
And do we even need to mention that shower scene …
Which is your favourite Evan Peters?
American Horror Story: Cult premieres on FX in the US on September 5 and on FOX on September 8 in the UK.