Apparently I’ve missed the memo. You know, the one about the extinction of respect that should come hand-in-hand with sexual encounters. Has that particular dish been discontinued? When a guy recently tried to instigate a booty-call in the middle of the day, and I suggested we meet on neutral ground first. He ghosted me as fast as if I’d just asked what he thought we should name our future children. It certainly wasn’t the first time it’s happened. It’s like asking if you can order a starter before the main course, only for your date to simply up and leave. And this was without even suggesting an actual date; just an ice-breaker.
Why though? Because I won’t turn up to your house, bang you on command and then leave immediately like a prostitute that you haven’t actually paid for? Surem because if you’re not easy, sleazy, and pre-lubed, then you’re obviously uptight and eager to settle-down, right? I’m here for sex without strings. I’m not here for sex without respect. I’m here for sex without commitment. I’m not here for sex without comfort. Is that an alien concept? Casual sex is human, but nobody should be crawling to someone’s doorstep like a dog that needs water. (Although if he’s got a full-sleeve and an accent, I might still get on my knees).
Whenever a guy says: “What are you looking for?” I say, “Let’s grab a drink, and I’ll tell you”. I’ve had one too many bad experiences to trot along and bump uglies with a two-dimensional profile, without a get out clause. I’m not even gonna divulge how many goblins I’ve had relations with ‘cause I didn’t wanna bruise their ego. It’s like refusing to sending back a meal in a restaurant; personally, I blame British politeness. But when you’ve ordered the same meal a number of times and wound up with a bad taste in your mouth, only an idiot would continue to repeat the mistake without hesitation.
Thanks to this decade’s evolution in technology, however, the etiquette of one-night stands has been butchered, and as we fall further down the hook-up rabbit hole, increasingly low standards and a lack of respect are seeming to become commonplace. If if you won’t serve him sex on a plate, he can easily find others that will. Hence why the merest suggestion of anything else seemingly comes with the implication you’re about to Single White Female him, when in reality you haven’t even saved his number.
To these men it may not seem worthwhile engaging in an ice-breaker just to get a bit of dick (especially when there’s a supermarket for it on their smartphone), but certainly it’s not worth my while meeting Michael Douglas when I expected Michael Fassbender. Nobody wants to order lobster and leave with crabs. Men that want quick and loose lays based on two photos of you often want nothing more from you than your genitals. And that’s cool. But in order for that to happen, you have to offer respect first; something those men are hesitant to give. And having sex with people that don’t respect you only makes you feel shit. Why should I feel bad about myself so that you can get your coital bliss? Sorry, but I worked too hard to love myself for that.
Most of these men aren’t even close to the standards you hold for a relationship; you just want to make sure they’re up to your standards for sex first. But just because he’s the side salad and not the steak doesn’t mean you still don’t want your seat pulled out for you. It may sound high maintenance, but it’s actually just placing high value on your sexual currency. And it works both ways: Having sex with guys that you don’t respect either rarely has a good outcome.
I want sex as much as the next horny gay man, but it’s just not fun collecting your clothes from a Felicia’s bedroom floor after a naff shag when you don’t even like them. Hence why it’s always better to sample the wine before guzzling the entire bottle. But regardless of what’s on the menu; sex or dates, if they don’t come with a side of respect, I’ve already lost my appetite.
Anthony Gilét is a London-based writer, blogger and YouTuber – follow him on Twitter @Anthony_Gilet.
To read more from the Single & Fabulous? series, click here.