2013 wasn’t the best of years for Nigella Lawson. First the paps snapped her with her (now estranged) husband’s hands apparently gripping her throat at a London restaurant; then she was forced to admit in court that, *sniff sniff*, well, y’know. But in spite of this La Nige is the personification of FABULOUS and I’m here to to tell us why 2014 will be her year.
She literally doesn’t give a shit.
No matter what scandal is thrown her way, you can’t bring Nigella down. After their divorce was announced, her husband seemed to go batshit crazy, vomiting emotions all over the press. What did Nigella do? She maintained a dignified silence. Cut to the following month and her ex-housekeepers accuse her of having a gargantuan coke habit. What does Nigella do? She makes powdered doughnuts her recipe of the day. You couldn’t make it up.
She wore a sea burkini as though it were a totally normal thing to do?
What do you mean you don’t remember the SEA BURKINI?
She’s Britain’s answer to Oprah Winfrey.
Nigella is almost wasted in cooking – because she has a way with an inspirational quote. “At some stages of your life you will deal with things, and at others you are overwhelmed with misery and anxiety.” Fabulous. “Emotion is messy, contradictory… and true.” I’m not really sure what that means, but it’s deep. Incredibly deep. The type of deep you might conjure up late at night over something herbal, perhaps…
Her court appearance was straight out of an episode of Dallas.
Imagine your entire world is crumbling around you. The press are after your blood and your hard-earned reputation is in tatters on the floor. What do you do? Sit in a dark room and cry? Pop on a tracksuit and spend your days watching Jeremy Kyle? Absolutely not. You turn up to your court hearing in a fabulously-tailored coat with extra voluminous hair and make-up that’s contoured to perfection. Whatever you think of Nigella, you can’t deny she looked shit hot on that dock, and every inch of aesthetic fabulousness was backed up with a killer quote – par exemple: “I wouldn’t refer to my divorce as unfortunate”.
She knows exactly what she’s doing.
Don’t EVER mistake Nigella for being naïve. She’s very aware she appeals to the dirty old man demographic and keeps the Kleenex brigade titillated with some marvellous food-based innuendos. As she handles the “firm breast of a chicken”, or informs you that her cake requires “an ungainly squirt of cream”, she’s secretly counting her growing fortune and laughing all the way to the bank.
She carries her own seasoning around with her.
There’s nothing I’d love more than to watch Nigella show up at my dinner party and rudely customise the food I’d spent hours and hours preparing. In a 2011 interview, Nigella revealed that she makes her own seasoning and carries it on her person at all times. Funnily enough, she continued by adding: “My friends probably think I’m harbouring drugs.” I can see it now – porchetta stuffed with mushrooms, celeriac mash and a sprinkling of crystal meth.
She rejected an OBE.
Yes, in 2001, Nigella rejected an OBE – what would Joan Collins say? Most celebrities who turn down this accolade tend to tell the press oh-so-humbly that they didn’t feel worthy of an award that could’ve gone to honest, hard-working people. Not Nigella. True to form, she never spoke about her OBE no-no and the reasons behind her declining are still shrouded in mystery. In short, Nigella knows she’s amazing and doesn’t need the Queen to tell her so. *sprinkles seasoning*.
Follow the amazing Martyn Hett on Twitter @MartynHett