Christmas can be a difficult time for singles, but it doesn’t have to be. Here’s some advice on how to sleigh the festive season…
Don’t bang someone at the work party
All the sexual tension that has built-up in the last 12 months always comes to a head at the staff Christmas party. Nobody chooses their co-workers, and when we know the whole reason we’re here is 30% obligation and 70% free booze, it’s easy to get carried away. But remember, just ‘cause the bar’s open, doesn’t mean your legs have to be.
Flirting at work is natural; in fact it gets many of us through the day. But letting Barry’s trembling hands tug on your wishbone while Karen from accounts murders Mariah on karaoke is a ghost of Christmas past you’ll have to deal with in future. Cut to awkward propositions in the copy room and lingering stares at every meeting. Or even worse, pulling the Adonis and falling head over heels for him; it’s all fun and games until you’re being sued for sexual harassment.
Do get a ‘Christmas boyfriend’
They say, a dog is for life, not just for Christmas. Well, the same is true for men. Only joking. This is one dog you don't have to pick up shit after once you're done playing with. The Christmas boyfriend ideally lives out of town (which makes this temporary arrangement that much simpler). He’s comes in for the weekend, and you do all the stuff you’d do with an actual boyfriend; ice skating, cosy dinners, and amazing hotel sex (nobody knows why, but we all know it’s so much better in a hotel room), and then send him on his merry way.
Note: Be wary about getting emotionally attached to your Christmas boyfriend; I tried to make one a permanent fixture a few years back, and was left with an after-taste like yellow snow.
Do go out more
Between S.A.D and the Antarctic weather, it’s all too easy for us to hibernate, but ’tis the season to be tipsy, and with all the social events, the perfect opportunity to pull a cracker - and I don’t mean at the dinner table. There are men everywhere (OK they’re all wearing Rudolph jumpers, but still), so if you’d rather meet a husband in a romantic Love Actually
manner, as opposed than ordering him over an app like last minute Christmas shopping - there’s no time like the present. After all, we’d all rather unwrap a cutie instead of another Lynx wash set…
Although, if all you want for Christmas is to be a hoe, hoe, hoe, hitting the right venue at the right time could mean dick jackpot. Sidebar: Doing the walk of shame in a blizzard is a bit of a bitch, but it’s worth it as long as you get more inches-deep than the snow.
Do relax, but don’t overindulge
Losing weight and getting fit is one of the most popular resolutions for January, but many of us make the mistake of munching down the mince pies and entering the new year with a new back roll. A workout here and there won’t have you entering spring in a slump, and means you’ll feel less stressed about that ‘summer body’, and more confident about future love prospects. Besides if you're taking the advice about going out more, you can’t bottom on Boxing Day if you’ve eaten a bunch of Brussels sprouts the day before. Although, worst case scenario you can always borrow nan’s turkey baster.
Be grateful of your single status
It’s easy to feel lonely when you see cute couples kissing under the mistletoe, but just remember that the snow is always whiter - especially when it has an Instagram filter. For all you know, their relationship has the weight of a paper hat. Sure, you might have to put up with those family members, prying into your love life with a string of invasive questions:
“So are you seeing anyone special?”
Nope, still in a committed relationship with Porn Hub aunty Sheila, thanks for asking.
“Have you tried that Tinder? Our Lucy met her fella on there…”
No. I use Scruff ‘cause I’m fucking filthy.
Or, “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone”.
OK, thanks, I hadn’t actually given up hope yet, but that’s reassuring.
But hey, it’s definitely better than being stranded at your in-laws, trapped in a state of small-talk, minding your Ps and Qs. All while your father-in-law fills the room with flatulence.
Do treat yourself
Spoiling a significant other always feels good. You know what else feels good? Spending all your wages on yourself. You may not be able to put a price on love, but you can certainly put one on a new Macbook. We’re often told to treat others how we want to be treated, and - while true - you should also treat yourself how you want others to treat you. Everyone wants to feel loved and appreciated, so it’s OK to be selfish every now and then – especially if the turkey is the only one getting a stuffing this Christmas.
Anthony Gilét is a London-based writer, blogger and YouTuber – follow him on Twitter @Anthony_Gilet.
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