TOWIE star Vas J Morgan, 26, is one of those guys whose coming out process is proving hard to live with.
Here, in this starkly honest interview with showbiz journalist James Ingham - exclusively for aTEEN
- Vas confesses that because he has been brought up to believe being gay is wrong he says he feels that he will never find happiness as a gay man and that he risks losing his family forever because they will never accept him for who he is.
Let’s start at the beginning. When did you realise you were gay?
When I was 16 everyone kept asking me if I was gay and it got me starting to question my sexuality. I’d honestly not thought about it before then so I went out and bought a gay mag. My parents found it and shut the whole thing down. My mum sat me down and said most kids may think about it, but it is a choice to be gay – so I chose not to think about it. I was happy living my life. I didn’t think I’m gay but pretending not to be. I honestly didn’t think I was. So I just ignored it for about five years.
You thought it was a choice. Do you still feel that way?
I honestly don’t know. I feel like I could be with a woman but I guess I wouldn’t be as happy as I would be if I was in a relationship with a man. At the moment I don’t think I would be happy with either. I have never had a serious relationship. I have never been in love, I feel like I’m always forcing it with anyone. Is that normal? I feel I would never be able to bring a man home to my family. My mum and dad will never accept it. Even my brother and sister who have been so supportive, I know they still feel uncomfortable with it.
What’s their problem?
My family who are very religious. They don’t understand someone being gay and really judge me. I think they find me an embarrassment to the family and that makes me feel bad. They don’t want me to be openly gay on the show which is hard. They genuinely believe you go to hell if you are gay.
And do you believe that?
I’m not that religious so I don’t think I will go to hell but I have to admit I still do think that it is wrong.
I think it is unnatural. That’s my personal belief. I don’t want to offend anyone but that’s what I have been brought up to believe in. My family will never accept it. My family told me if I have to be gay then stay in the closet and basically just make it my dirty little secret.
What’s your lowest point?
The lowest point in a way is now because I still don’t have the acceptance of my family. Also, when I decided I was going to live a gay lifestyle I cut off all my straight mates. Which sounds really weird. But you see, I still don’t feel comfortable telling people who knew me as straight that I’m gay. It makes me feel physically sick to think about it. So rather than telling them, I just cut them off instead. If I meet people now that’s different.
Did any of your old friends see you talk about your sexuality on TOWIE recently?
One of my old friends messaged me after the episode to say they thought it was no big deal and said: ‘Why didn’t you tell us? You’re like a brother.’ I went for dinner with three of my best straight mates afterwards and even though they say they are cool with it, I still feel awkward.
That’s good… But I guess it’s not like having your family’s approval…
I know they love me but Mum will never accept me being gay. It goes against everything she believes in.
You can read our full, in-depth interview with Vas Morgan in the new issue of aTEEN, the world's first digital magazine just for young gay men, available now to download. Get it now at Pocketmags.com/aTEEN. We've also got interviews with the likes of Years & Years, Ben Cohen - and our aTEEN cover star, McBusted's Harry Judd: