10 of the gayest things about Christmas
By Nick Levine
Attitude’s Ben Kelly
lists the things that make the yuletide gay, in no particular order…
1. All the coming out
Ah, the age old homosexual tradition of coming out on Christmas Day. There’s something about everyone being together with a few too many vinos down the hatch that makes us feel the need to bring the spotlight back to us, thank you very much, with a bit of dramatic news. There may be a few tears, but nowadays your nan will probably just chuckle and carry on sucking up her Brussels sprouts.
[youtube height=”315″ width=”420″]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-TCj6IHUtU[/youtube]
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2. Mariah Carey’s first Christmas Album
To gays, the opening bars of this record are as much a signal of the start of Christmas as the Coca Cola van is to obese children. Of course there’s the total brilliance of All I Want For Christmas, but there’s also a fun cover of Christmas (Please Come Home), and her epic, unbeaten rendition of O Holy Night, where she takes the traditional hymn to church and emits notes only the reindeers can hear. Understated? Never.
[youtube height=”315″ width=”420″]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWEMHNaY8ec[/youtube]
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3. EastEnders Christmas special
Apparently we’re most likely to have a family scrap some time from 7pm-9pm on Christmas Day, which is just the right time for that fight to be reflected with a few bitch slaps on screen in our favourite Cockney soap. When Den gave Angie divorce papers during Christmas ’86, 30 million of us tuned in – the highest ever figure for a British TV programme. It was cold and bitchy, and we loved it.
[youtube height=”315″ width=”420″]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcqqJc4xYxQ[/youtube]
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4. Jude Law in The Holiday
It’s not exactly the true meaning of Christmas, but there’s a lot to be said for finding romance with a traditional British hunk with a good job in publishing while you’re on an Internet house swap in the countryside. Every year we watch him appear like a vision at that snowy cottage door and wish we were Cameron Diaz. But only in that film, mind you, not in the rest of life, she had sex with a car in that film you know.
*See also Hugh Grant in Love Actually; Colin Firth in Bridget Jones Christmas scenes*
[youtube height=”315″ width=”420″]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0p8Su3bdHc[/youtube]
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5. George Michael in Last Christmas
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and modern re-readings of old Wham! videos now show that George Michael couldn’t have given a rat’s arse about Pepsi or Shirlie. He was too busy maintaining that Lady Di hairdo and gazing longingly at hunky members of the camera crew (we imagine). Anyway, we feel for the sexually unsure Greek beauty when we listen back, and have decided that if he’d given us his heart circa 1984, we wouldn’t have given it away. Whoever did – bitch.
[youtube height=”315″ width=”420″]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8gmARGvPlI[/youtube]
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6. Pantomimes
Gay? Oh no it isn’t/oh yes it is etc. With the Panto Dame, the chorus boys in tights and camped up versions of current pop hit, this truly British creation is one of the gayest things about Christmas. Even Liberace might find it a bit much. Best thing is, it’s for all the family, so you can laugh awkwardly at smut spat by Lily Savage while sitting between your little cousin and your granddad. It’s so ’60s.
[youtube height=”315″ width=”420″]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6i9hQ2b6tSo[/youtube]
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7. The fact that Christmas is something Cher has experienced as a human
“Christmas? Honey I sang for the Wise Men. Good audience, heavy drinkers.” If something exists, Cher’s got a story for it, and she’s made a fair contribution to Christmas, not least through a bizarre dance version of Christmas (Please Come Home) featuring Rosie O’Donnell, and an appearance on Pee Wee Herman’s festive show. You could spend hours watching clips from her own Christmas TV specials on YouTube. Trust us, we have.
[youtube height=”315″ width=”420″]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMzKTQyiM-w[/youtube]
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8. Michael Buble’s version of Santa Baby
Bless Michael Buble. In his attempt to ‘butch up’ Santa Baby, he reworked it as Santa Buddy, and changed his gifts from Tiffany jewellery to Mercedes convertibles. Sadly, it still came off sounding like he was trying to get old Saint Nick in the sack. We’re not saying that’s wrong (even Santa has needs), but it is very gay. And henceforth no man should ever sing it again.
[youtube height=”315″ width=”420″]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itiwN1qvxXQ[/youtube]
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9. The excuse to indulge
Not that we need one, but you can basically write off nearly two weeks of the year for nothing but eating, drinking, and any other type of bingeing you might dream of. The gay scene can be judgemental when it comes to body image, so give the gym a rest and use your old Grindr pics; screw the almonds and pumpkin seeds and dive head first into turkey, cheese and booze.
[youtube height=”315″ width=”420″]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzPHv0pjqww[/youtube]
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10. Judy Garland
Christmas will inevitably bring The Wizard Of Oz and all the glory of Judy’s studio-prescribed barbiturates era. You can get emotional as she croons Over The Rainbow, and draw parallels with your own metaphorical journey down the yellow brick road. And then there’s her performance of Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas in Meet Me In St. Louis, which won’t leave a dry eye in the house.
[youtube height=”315″ width=”420″]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5g4lY8Y3eoo[/youtube]
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Follow the fantastic Ben Kelly on Twitter @BenKellyMusic