21 questions with ‘Drag SOS’ star Cheddar Gorgeous
"Spirit animal? I am my own f***ing spirit animal!"
This article first appeared in Attitude issue 303, December 2018
There is nothing whiffy about this magnificent Mancunian queen. Bald, bold and beautiful, Cheddar Gorgeous describes herself as an idealist, unicorn and alien – we’d happily accompany her to a galaxy far, far away.
What were your rejected drag names?
Cheddar van de Tramp after Bree van de Kamp from Desperate Housewives.
Describe your drag style in five words.
A series of well-placed mistakes [the hyphen technically makes it five].
What’s the first thing you do in the morning?
Tell myself not to check my phone.
And what’s the last thing you do before going to sleep?
Berate myself for checking my phone.
Which cocktail best suits your personality?
Espresso Martini. Bittersweet and overstimulated.
What’s your spirit animal?
I am my own f***ing spirit animal!
Where is the weirdest place you’ve had sex?
On a train going through a tunnel, which is its own innuendo-laden metaphor.
Biggest turn-on?
Good communicators with bubble butts.
And turn-off?
People who describe themselves as ‘normal’, ‘average’, ‘regular’ or *shudder* ‘masc’. Bore off .
If you could be any inanimate object in the world, what would you be?
Pineapples look like they are having a pretty good time.
What would your fragrance be called, and what ingredients would it contain?
Fromage. It sounds posh, even though it’s just cheesy. Smellwise, I’m thinking leather and vetiver — butch just like me.
What would your superpower be?
To be able to speed up and slow down time. I would save a fortune on Botox by slowing the pace of my forehead.
If you could banish someone to a desert island, who would it be?
Myself and any other fabulous queers that want to come along. Leave the world to the wolves while we have pina coladas.
You’re dead (sorry). What would the epitaph on your headstone say?
“It’s me, Cheddar Gorgeous. I had a #lovelytime.”
If you could make contact with a deceased celebrity, who would it be, and what would you ask them?
David Bowie. I would ask him to stay a little while longer.
What is the biggest misconception about you?
That I am confident about my body and the way that I look. Inside, I am still a dumpy ginger kid who likes Star Trek.
What would it surprise people to know about unicorns?
That the horn isn’t just for show.
What planet are you from?
Still trying to figure that one out. I was found in a field in some kind of Cocoon-esque escape pod when I was a baby — just like Superman, or a Cabbage Patch doll.
What message do you have for us mere mortals on Earth?
Get receipts. You’re going to need them.
Which cheese gives you the worst nightmares?
I am actually lactose intolerant!
What’s the best thing about being a bald queen?
The extra surface area is always nice, but not having to deal with hair is its own reward.