Starlet La JohnJoseph: ‘You don’t need talent for cabaret, so I’ll be perfect’

With her “deliciously malicious political agenda,” satirical cabaret starlet and neoliberal sweetheart La JohnJoseph has been described as “the only person in the UK more delusional than Nigel Farage”. With tongue planted firmly in cheek, she writes exclusively for Attitude ahead of her show at the London Wonderground Festival later this month…

If you’re anything like me (and let’s face it, you probably aren’t because you don’t have a double third from Oxford), you probably enjoy a good old-fashioned political rally.

The roar of the crowd as the water canons blast them, the unmistakable tang of blood rushing from protestor’s noses, the occasional mouthful of tear gas… Oh how I love a jolly day of witnessing democracy in action! What else am I supposed to watch whilst I’m having my nails done? Ever since Deidre died in Corrie there’s not a thing on. I’d write to the Beeb to complain but my husband’s putting in a bid to buy it and I don’t want to rock the boat. Summer seems so fraught!

As it is, I’m in a frightful tizz over the collapse of the Euro, so I can’t even just fly over to the Greek Islands for a little R&R lest I find myself tricked into bailing out another Eastern European nation at the bureau de change. No, no, that’s not a mistake I’ll make twice!

It isn’t even safe to hop on the Eurostar to France these days. It may all sound well and good, but after a week with Pink and the Olsen twins on the beach at St Tropez, I know I’d come back with my hair in a frightful mess (simply ruined by the humidity) with a complexion at least two semitones darker on the Estée Lauder all-day wear color chart, and I wouldn’t be allowed back into the country. Not that I blame customs for being suspicious: immigration in this country is totally out of hand. I was only just discussing this with Svetlana, my maid, and Pablo, my gardener slash masseur, this morning.

Yes, I could see my summer slipping away into yet more binge drinking and bikram, home alone with my incompetent staff, while my husband was away slipping backhanders to environmental watchdogs in Bali. I thought I was done for, then I wondered, well what would Gwyneth Paltrow do? So I whatsapp’d her up in Mykonos and she showed me the light.

Et voila! Thanks to Gwyneth, I’m throwing myself into a bit of art therapy, a bit of cabaret to cheer myself up. I saw a mood board that quite caught my eye on Pinterest featuring a woman (at least I think it was a woman) in a basque and a bowler hat and I thought “That’s the new me!” I’ve always been psychic actually, I’m a very spiritual person and often know about things before I do them.

Now, from what I’ve discovered whilst googling between courses at J.Sheekey, cabaret doesn’t really seem to require talent per se, or an actual what you might call purpose or any sort of skills, and since I don’t have any of those things I immediately felt I’d be perfect. What I’ve come up with is an intimate but life-changing evening of elegant rhetoric, a really charming, ambient medley of song and spiel, with the occasional dash of hate speech!

I’ve made the e-vite, I’ve put it up on mumsnet, and responses are flooding in! People keep asking me if I’m taking this to the Edinburgh Festival, but I certainly am not. I said, “The only way I’ll be going north of Berwick-Upon-Tweed is when I get my art’s council grant to rebuild Hadrian’s Wall!” It’s bad enough that the original hadn’t lasted, but that’s Italian builders for you isn’t it?

Long story short, I’m presenting my show, Practically Royalty, at the London Wonderground Festival, at the Southbank Centre on August 15th at 7pm. Took me hours to arrange the bloody thing, in the end I had to buy out “Little Miss Sticky’s Boudoir Burlesque” so I could have her slot; that didn’t come cheap, but frankly I think I’ve done us all a favour. And if you’re anything like me (and let’s face it you probably aren’t because I doubt very much you’re even on first name terms with the Earl of Chichester) I’d say you ought to book yourself a ticket.

I promise a truly transformative gluten-free experience, to treasure and remember, and if nothing else, it beats another night at the National watching Helen McCrory chew the scenery doesn’t it?

La JohnJoseph stars in Practically Royalty at the London Wonderground Festival at the Southbank Centre, Aug 15th at 7pm.