Who says I have to share nudes on Grindr?

It’s been about 10 years since I first downloaded Grindr. Back in 2013, I was in the last year of my undergrad and deep in the closet. I was really struggling with coming to terms with my sexuality. Longing for the company of fellow gays I turned to Grindr.

For the first time, I was speaking to people who were open about who they were. Yes, it was also partly about sex, and yes, it did also lead to me being nearly outed but I was grateful for the community I found.

Over the years my relationship with Grindr has evolved. Initially, I was put off by the candid and down-to-business nature of users. Now, with time and experience, I have a healthy relationship with the app.

But one thing that has come up on a few occasions has been the expectation that a guy should see every single inch of me before deciding if I’m worth bothering with.

Now, personally, I choose not to send nudes on Grindr. I have in the past and regretted it. Certainly, in my earlier days on the app, I wasn’t ready to share that kind of content, but I felt that I needed to in order to get anywhere.

When I did I was sometimes judged and shamed before being blocked, if not just blocked right away. I’m sure it’s a behaviour many have also experienced. My mental health has definitely suffered as a result of Grindr in the past.

I’ve also worried about what someone will do with my nudes, that the images could be posted online without my consent for thousands to see. A rise in revenge porn, where in some cases women have lived this exact situation, proves my concern is not without reason. Even now, with albums on Grindr that can’t be screenshotted, I’m not convinced people can’t still make copies. Plus, asking for nudes plays into the toxicity of size queen-ism.

I also think it’s nice to save something for when I meet someone in person, and plainly I don’t think I should have to share everything.

So, as a result, I chose to set a boundary for myself. Underwear pictures are as far as I’m willing to go right now. I’ve explained that to guys and, most of the time, people have understood.

It’s not about shame. I’m actually very happy with what I’ve got. My body issues are completely unrelated to my trunk and my junk. It’s not me being prudish. If that were the case, I wouldn’t be sending any scantily clad pictures with almost reckless abandon!

It’s also not, as one person recently suggested, me being secretive. It’s about setting a boundary and maintaining some privacy. Is that such a bad thing? I’d like to think we can all agree that it’s not.

And I get it. We’re on Grindr, something most people use principally for sex. But why does that mean having to disclose absolutely everything? And why is it a dealbreaker if I don’t? Especially when I’ve shown so much already.

I get concerns about people being honest with each other on Grindr. All I can say is, I’ll be honest if you ask me anything. We should all feel OK about ourselves enough to do that.

“People criticize it for being superficial, but I didn’t invent that in human nature. What Grindr does is makes you raise your game,” Grindr founder Joel Simkhai once told the New York Times. “The visual leads to the drive to desire and to be desired,” he added.

These dismissive comments put emphasis on people to ‘raise their game,’ while also adding pressure on people to bare themselves completely, and also undermining the work of the ‘Kindr’ campaign, which aimed to make the app a more friendly place.

Whatever your thoughts are on sending nudes, let’s look at it from another angle. If you met someone in a bar and you wanted to go home together, would you expect someone to stand there in the middle of a crowded dancefloor with their trousers around their ankles before making your mind up? Probably not.

That’s where I am really. I’m hardly regretting the occasions where not sending nudes has led to me not getting freaky with someone else. I’m doing just fine, thank you.

The whole thing has led to me wonder if it’s worth having an album of nudes on hand but at the same time, I don’t think I should have to. Ultimately, I don’t want to.

I’m quite happy with the boundary I’ve set for myself. I accept not everyone on Grindr will agree with it, but that’s up to them. To each their own.

My advice to people reading is first, share what you want as long as it’s legal and consensual. You should never feel pressured into anything you’re not comfortable with and it’s OK to tell someone to f*** off!

Secondly, be compassionate. If the onus is on us as Grindr users to be ‘kindr’ to one another then let’s! Let us not put undue pressure on others or judge anyone for their choices. That’s up to them.

You do you. I’ll do me. Except when we want to do each other.