This gay guy and this straight guy are best friends – here’s what they’ve learnt from each other

Dan on James

I mean, the obvious thing I’ve learnt from James is that – I really had no idea there was so much admin involved in gay sex. It sounds like a nightmare. That said, I can’t help but think that’s surely offset by the fact that – in London and other big cities, you can apparently get it within five minutes. Something I also learnt from James.

On a serious note, whilst I realised that growing up gay can be difficult, I’m not sure I ever really clocked just how brutal it can often be. Particularly for vulnerable LGBTQ+ youth. A few years ago we did a documentary for BBC Radio 1 investigating conversion therapy in Northern Ireland and James did a simulation of this (totally legal, by the way…) insane practice. It was easy for me to dismiss this guy’s arguments – even though I was brought up in the Church – because no part of me thinks there’s anything wrong with being gay. 

Unfortunately though, as I’ve learnt from doing the podcast and from our many listeners we have around the world, many LGBTQ+ people aren’t able to say that because of the deep shame they carry around that society has put on them. 

Before I met James, I’d like to think that I was open-minded and respectful to the LGBTQ+ community. Although that is probably not completely true, given the town I’m from, Solihull, has just been voted the least gay place in the UK. At the very least I know I’ve been guilty of using the word gay as an insult numerous times growing up. 

That definitely wouldn’t fly anymore. And certainly in my immediate friendship circle, rarely does anybody say anything homophobic or transphobic. But it’s those people on the periphery. Your friend’s boyfriend or their parents or someone you vaguely remember from school you bump into in the pub, that make the comments that make you cringe. If I’m being totally honest, I’m also cringing because I can’t be completely sure I wouldn’t have said the same thing before I met James.

James on Dan

What have I learnt from a straight man? The question is almost laughable really. Sorry, Beyoncé but you were wrong… Who Run The World, The Patriarchy. Our entire system is set up and run by straight men, what could we possibly learn from a group of blokes that have oppressed us for most of our lives? I’ll tell you, and it’s not how to dress like you don’t care or listen to Snow Patrol whilst explaining how horoscopes don’t mean anything. I’ve learnt self-respect. I’ll tell you how. 

As a gay man I grew up hating myself. Queer people can easily spend most of our lives in a permanent protest, defending our right to simply exist authentically and it’s exhausting. It’s the same within our community too, we all judge each other with so much scrutiny because we’ve been systematically taught to hate ourselves and each other. 

That’s where our allies come in. They have the power to fight for us, trigger-free. When you aren’t a victim, it’s a lot easier to step in.

Dan’s straight so he’s never had to question whether he deserves his rights or not. To me that’s a superpower. Imagine a world where you can confidently leave the house ‘Nails done hair did’ being 100% yourself without ever questioning yourself or the danger you might put yourself in by simply being yourself? There’s self-assurance when you’re straight, a self-respect. 

Dan’s taught me the power of that. Dan’s ‘straight’ talking advice about ‘blokes mugging me off’ and confusion about why I went through a phase of constantly dating ‘losers’ initially felt harsh. But after a few years of recording our podcast I realised he was right. I deserve love, respect and safety just as much as straight people. We all do.

Now If I’m ever questioning whether a situation feels wrong or not, I will always check in with my inner-straight-man. Am I allowing someone to treat me like shit because I think I deserve to be treated that way? Probably. Trust me, we are enough and no one should ever be allowed to make us feel differently. That’s straight privilege and I’m harnessing it, in a harness, not listening to Snow Patrol. 

Get tickets for James and Dan at the Just for Laughs LONDON Festival here, taking place at London’s O2 Arena from 2-5 March 2023.