‘Drag terrorist’ Christeene’s alternative Christmas message

This article first appeared in Attitude issue 304, January 2019

Photography: Francisco Gomez de Villaboa

Ahh’m not much of a sausage qween, except for those little ones in the can cuz they’re soft an’ like baby food. But ahh want to show y’all that you can just swap the baby Jesus for a piece of sausage. Ahh’d personally rather take a piece of sausage home than a baby. You don’t have to take care of a sausage, you just got to eat it.

Religious, iconic imagery, ahh figured ahh’d put some meat on it. It iz showing you what it iz, just a picture. Religion iz mythology. They all come from the same fuckin’ source: human beings trying to find some sort of strength to keep pushing on. That’s why they create these stories, these costumes.

Most people who are shoving it down our throats, who are sitting on the top thrones, are paedophiles, or some Pope who runs shiit like the Mafia, dirty deals being done behind closed doors to control the world.

There iz nothing different between the Catholic faith and a cult in a strange house in Fort Worth, Texas. Catholicism iz the bully cult an’ the laziest: be good, go to heaven, be bad, go to hell. Who gives a fuck? You think life iz that easy? The people telling you that are the ones doing the worst shiit.

If you want to dig in an’ really believe in that, if you think it’s going to save your life, ahh’m not going to tell you ‘no’. Y’all should use a little bit of brains, though, to understand that it iz a children’s story. If you’re going to follow that, then you might as well worship the ugly duckling.

So Christmas iz upon us, an’ ahh must admit ahh like the streets when they get the lights an’ colours on ‘em, it’s real nice. However, when y’all say it iz the season for giving, not receiving, go fuck yourself. You should do that every day. Stupid people wait to do it at Christmas to make themselves feel better. Lazy. Lazy religion. Lazy fuckin’ giving. Do it all the time an’ shut up.

It’s been a rough year, spent wrestling power from idiot, mostly white, men wrecking a lot of good things. Like the giant satsuma in the room: Donald Trump. That son of a bitch’s rallies, ahh mean, what president has rallies? That’s called mobilisation. He can tell them fuckers to buy a gun an’ shoot me in the head. They’ll do it, an’ they are doing it.

Ahh read this quote, ‘Don’t ever wrestle with a pig cuz they like to fight, they like to get covered in shiit, the dirtier it gets, the happier the pig is.’ That’s what the world iz doing, they’re wrestling with this stupid pig, they don’t understand that if you don’t bother the pig, don’t give it the attention an’ mud, the pig’s going to get bored.

It’s a dangerous time. You can’t just pick out the United States any more and say, “This place is going down the shitter,” cuz it’s a global situation. Look at Brazil an’ that homophobe piece of shiit Jair Bolsonaro, and the rise of the Brown Party in Germany.

Y’all are knee-deep, too, with Brexit, just adding to the UK’s terrible past. Hello, colonising the world, the Royal Family, all this hoity-toity crap.

You’ve done some rotten fucking shiit around the world so there iz an undercurrent of darkness there. It’s like Texas, where ahh’m from. Ahh’m surrounded by so many gun-totin’ Republicans, but ahh live in Austin, which iz liberal an’ filled with environmentalists, hippies, faggots an’ dykes. Ahh like to have both sides of the coin cuz it creates an effect in your soul, brain an’ hole.

London iz the same. There iz the dark of the past, along with adventurous, exciting people from all over the world who are changing, or trying to change it. When you make cocktails like that, an’ live within them, many powerful things take place, good or bad.

Ahh like to be in the centre of those places, the eyes of those storms, a piece of fruit in those cocktails, an old, dirty cherry with a toothpick through it.

The pendulum keeps swinging an’ it’s swung far, far to the right. There iz no rule book written on how to deal with this one. You’ve just got to break the pendulum, crack it at its base an’ start with a new response.

We’ve got to find a way to fight this our way, not the way we’ve been taught. Y’all can’t just say, “Go vote, go march,” it’s beyond that.

The only thing ahh hold on to iz the fact that they know it’s the last time they can get away with this cuz what’s coming after this, it’s going to be strong an’ different. Ahh feel good about what’s coming cuz ahh meet people an’ the stories ahh’m hearing are promising new directions, that won’t tolerate this shiit.

Next year, ahh want the world to start cleaning its kitchen, to wash those fuckin’ dishes, get some new wallpaper an’ remodel. Ahh also demand that ya’ll take care of each other, fill each other’s tanks up when you low, show up for each other, support each other when people are getting vulnerable.

Above all, people, remember that a hole iz just a hole.

Talking of holes, if anyone out there wants to sponsor me some butt plugs, just holler cuz that shiit iz expensive.

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