‘My quest for immaculate anal hygiene has been a truly hole-opening journey’

I never thought I’d find myself writing about this topic, but it’s time to address the elephant in the room: I’ve become absolutely obsessed with douching. As a gay man, I like my hole
to be clean and sparkling. I want my back door to glisten like a scene from a Planet Earth documentary, ready for the David Attenborough of douching to enter me.

Lately, I’ve become so fixated on avoiding any innocent little mistakes that I’ve started dodging brunch invitations and diligently sticking to a fibre pill-only diet at weekends. I am starving and all in the name of worry-free sex — but is it worth it for a few minutes of pleasure?

Let’s be real!

It’s important to note that excessive douching can upset the natural balance of bacteria in the gut. I even had an embarrassing moment in a Manchester hotel room when I’d become so lax with my douching routine that I forgot to clench. Without warning, I unleashed a tidal wave of douche water onto the floor of an ibis Budget. That is true gay shame.

Perhaps if we openly discuss our experiences, we’d feel less shame and embarrassment. When it comes to being the top, I’m actually quite forgiving. After all, if you’re going to venture into the Upside Down, you’re bound to encounter The Demogorgon — a cute metaphor for the unmentionable. Why, then, do I harbour so much shame when I’m the bottom? Perhaps if I had come across a column like this when I was 18, it would have helped me break free from societal stigmas.

My quest for immaculate anal hygiene has been a truly hole-opening journey, but it’s time to find a balance between cleanliness and embracing the natural rhythm of my body. So let’s have these conversations, share experiences, and let go of our unnecessary shame. After all, life is far too short to miss out on brunch.

This feature first appeared in Attitude’s July/August issue – out now.