Single & Fabulous | ‘I can’t fall in love with someone whose dick is that big’
Anthony Gilét learns you really can have too much of a good thing.
By Will Stroude
OH.MY.GAHD. That was the first thought I had when we inevitably exchanged dick pics. I hadn’t been in this much shock since Ross said Rachel’s name at the wedding.
Think of like, a deodorant can… Now balance that on top of a butternut squash. Yeah. I couldn’t help showing the nudes to everyone who crossed my path. And everyone was just as aghast as I was. Especially Sister Alice outside St. Phillip’s.
Right up until the moment we met, I remember feeling this mix of apprehension, arousal and absolute fear. But hey, everyone has angles that are more flattering than others. So I guess I’d just take it as it came (the situation, not the dick).
After meeting at a bar nearby his place, we went back to his for more drinks, and were clearly very compatible (aka: he had a bar in his living room and watched Drag Race). As the home-made cocktails went down, so did the boundaries of our conversation.
“I don’t bottom. I don’t like it,” he confessed, before I quizzed him on why. “I tried it once, when I was 17, and it hurt too much.”
Hold up, hold up. ONCE? You tried it ONCE?! First of all, that’s like saying you tried neat whiskey when you were a teenager and now don’t drink; utter nonsense. Bottoming, like alcoholism, takes work and commitment.
It’s like the Bible says: ‘if you’re with a man that won’t bottom ’cause it hurts; you’re not dating a top, you’re dating a pussy’.
I also found it highly ironic that it hurt him too much. What did he think being impaled by a fire exstinguisher was going to do to me?
When we finally got down to business, and he flopped it out, I think my heart actually stopped beating.
I playfully threw it around for a minute or two, while I contemplated what to do with it. I’d suddenly forgotten everything I knew about turning a man on. All standard techniques are completely useless at first.
Having to get to grips with it reminded me of being given a bicycle and expected to know how to ride it. The only difference being that your dad wouldn’t be proud if you could ride this without hesitation.
Saying a man’s penis is too big, is like saying he has too much money or too many cars. Isn’t it? But how big is too big? Well, how about when you can barely fit it in your mouth? Bible. I went through an entire tub of Carmex in 10 minutes.
I did my best, I really did; but I was suffocating, and it wasn’t even hard yet. Needless to say, we didn’t even attempt anal. I couldn’t. And not just because I didn’t wanna worry about losing my pancreas every time I sneezed.
I’d felt that as people we got along great, and there was definitely a physical attraction, but this big dick was a big issue.
“I just can’t fall in love with someone who’s dick is that big,” I confessed to a friend over brunch.
I know, I know. I sound like a starving person just given a huge plate of food only to say they’re not that hungry. But it’s not like I could put half his dick in a doggy bag and take it home for later.
I’d have got him to bottom eventually, but him being a total top wasn’t something we could put to the bottom of the pile.
Sure, you could maybe manage it eventually, with a gallon of poppers and enough lube to drown a hooker, but would you even enjoy it? Well, maybe in the end. That is, at least until he dumped you, leaving you with irreversible internal damage and a heart that’s just as butchered. ‘Heartbroken and hole-broken’; sounds like the world’s most depressing sex memoir.
We’ve often heard the question ‘does size matter?’ but frequently only as an alternative to: ‘is bigger better?’ and while I’m sure many guys across the globe would synchronously answer yes to both questions, how true was it?
In this case, not at all. In fact, the dick was so big it was blocking the doorway to our future together, like an angry purple-headed bouncer. Was a slab of man-meat really going to stand in the way of two people that seemed otherwise compatible? Well, in *short*? Yes.
Apparently the longevity of our tryst was damned before we’d started. In dating we often discuss the things we can’t overlook in a potential partner – and this hole-breaker was definitely a deal-breaker.
Anthony Gilét is a London-based writer, blogger and YouTuber – follow him on Twitter and Instagram. To read more from the Single & Fabulous? series click here.