The oldest living creature on earth turns out to be gay
By Joshua Haigh
It’s been discovered that the oldest living creature on earth is actually gay.
Jonathan, a 186-year-old giant tortoise, has finally decided to come out, ahem, of his shell. Don’t worry, there’s more puns to come.
Back in the eighties, locals gifted Jonathan with what they thought was a female partner in a bid to let him live out his final years in love.
However, many of them became baffled that over the course of 26 years, the smitten pair never managed to have any offspring.
But, as it turns out, Jonathan’s partner, Frederica, was actually another male. Maybe they’re just both tops.
They’ve been happily living together for almost three decades without anyone being aware they were actually two males shacking up together.
Differences in tortoises are not always obvious, and locals are awaiting final tests to confirm Frederica’s sex.
Think of the things he’s seen over the years, guys. He’s officially the oldest gay icon on earth. Cher who!?
