Bourgeois and Maurice take on Serena, Trump and more
Hello homos, welcome to another week that wasn’t, with us, your helpful spirit guides, Bourgeois and Maurice! We’ve picked out the tastiest news stories of the week, for you to consume, digest, and then shit out. Bon appetit!
Serena Slam
The random opinion generator (the Internet) went into overdrive this week when Serena Williams won Wimbledon, making her literally the best athlete of sport stuff ever (we may be paraphrasing). Many of the great unwashed dissed her for being the terrifying triple threat of strong, female, and black. Then other, cleverer, people wrote about how wrong that was, and that the fascination with her body was racial fetishism, and other sicko stuff. We here at B&M HQ were worried with how Serena herself was feeling about all this creepy body attention. We tried to Viber her, but we couldn’t get through. Apparently the WiFi signal on Mount Olympus isn’t great. And she was too busy with the other Gods laughing at the petty bickering of us mere mortals.
Unions
The Hard Working Family Society of Great Britain (the Government) have decided that enough is enough when it comes to Trade Unions and their airy fairy workers’ rights. So this week they’ve been trying to pass legislation that will make strike action illegal unless at least 40% of all union members eligible to vote are in favour of it. This seems fair enough given that the Government themselves only achieved 24% of the votes from their eligible electorate. Some animals are more equal than others.
Talking of which…
Those good old MPs are giving themselves a pay rise this week, cos they’ve been working really hard shouting at each other and saying “here here”. Some have criticised this decision during a time of austerity as a little insensitive. Oh, let them eat cake! The good news is that apparently it won’t actually cost the taxpayer any more, because remember all those expenses MPs claimed, which everyone got their knickers in a twist about and said they shouldn’t get? Well, they’ve just used that money. Saves them having to go to the effort of filling out expenses forms, and lying. This way they can just have the money, no questions asked and no big public inquiry.
Athens
Things turned nasty on the streets of Athens as Greece’s Prime Minister tried to get parliament to sign up for the new Wonga loan. Protesters threw Molotov Cocktails (surprised they can afford cocktails) and the police responded with tear gas. Cute. The Greek PM was playing some super weird Derren Brown mind-shit on people by saying “I don’t agree with this deal. Please vote for it.” Which looks like it might work. If agreeing to more crippling austerity measures is want he wants. Which we think it is. And also not. But definitely is. If you want to believe that. We believe it. Not. No, of course we do. Ha, got ya! Wait, who are you? Who are we? Is this on TV? Aaaaand sleep.
Headliners
Distressing news from the music industry this week with reports that being forced to stand in a field of liquid excrement surrounded by gurning tweenagers could soon be a thing of the past. According to music industry bible Music Week, major festival headline acts are set to become extinct. Out of 140 headline slots at UK festivals since 2006, only 5 have been occupied by new bands (i.e. they released their debut album post 2006). It’s pretty obvious we’re the only hope – look, here’s a photo of when we played the mainstage at Bestival last year to an audience of almost 10 people! Watch your back Chris Martin.
Donald Trump
What a great week at Trump Towers. First he tweeted a photo of himself with some Nazi re-enactment soldiers and then he got made into a butt plug. AWESOME! We dream of publicity like that. The photo, which shows Big Don superimposed over an American flag with some soldiers butching it up in the background, was called out by someone on Twitter who is apparently really good at spotting replica Nazi uniforms (quite a party trick). It was quickly blamed on Donald’s intern because Donald’s intern is probably gagged and drugged and chained to a laptop in a portacabin unable to defend himself. You’d have to be just to get through your working day.
Meanwhile, a Mexican artist has given Trump the icon treatment by creating butt plugs lovingly decorated with Donald’s handsome face and gorge auburn toupee. The butt plugs are made from sandstone and retail for £21.34, which we think is a bargain for something that promises a ‘coarse finish and a delicate feel’.
Right, we’re off to do a show in a field of liquid excrement to an audience of gurning tweenagers now. If you’re at Latitude this weekend come say hi! We’ll be in the Cabaret tent on Saturday night.
Words by BOURGEOIS AND MAURICE
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