Do you self-sabotage your happiness?

Promotional featureAs a hypnotherapist

, I meet a lot of men who seem to have it all, but deep down they’re desperately unhappy. What I hear is that they don’t think they deserve happiness and the outcome of this is that they sabotage the good things they do have – that could be a relationship, a dream job or friendships. So what’s this all about? Many gay men grow up with the sense that they are different and that they’re not good enough – therefore it follows that good things can’t last or can be taken away as easily as they came. So how can you break this pattern and stop sabotaging your happiness?

Acknowledge the anger

Let’s get straight to the point here – in my experience people who self-sabotage are angry. Anger doesn’t necessarily involve uncontrollable road rage – though that might come into it – rather it’s an attitude and it’s at the core of all unhappiness. Even seemingly quiet people can be angry. As an emotion it’s extremely strong and for that reason we generally try to keep it bottled up. That’s not going to do you any good. Acknowledging anger and understanding the reasons behind it is tough but you can help yourself here – if you get a sense you are sabotaging something important, take ten minutes out every day to think about what you are doing. Try and spot the difference between thoughts and feeling and begin to check negative, self-limiting thoughts and behaviour – focus on how you would like those thoughts and behaviour to be different – and reaffirm them to yourself.

Ask yourself – What do I want?

When you feel irritated or bored with a person or a situation, be aware that you could be starting to self-sabotage. The key here is to ask yourself – what do I want? And remind yourself why this person or this situation is important to you. A popular therapy exercise is a gratitude diary, where you write down three things you’re grateful for, every day, for a week. Trust me it works – you get to notice and engage with what’s important in life – it may be the first time you’ve really acknowledged that.

The process is the goal, not the goal itself.

Be in the moment. Half the time we are so focused on the goal we forget to enjoy the process of whatever we are doing. Let’s face it, gay men want it all, want the best and want it now. But this striving for goals generally leads to disappointment – and can fuel a defeatist, self-sabotaging attitude. ‘What’s the point in going out, I’m never going to meet anyone.’ I’ve heard it so many times. By engaging with an experience you are more open to possibilities and new experiences. Going home by yourself will be just fine if you take this attitude!

Don’t compare yourself to anyone else.

Through my work I’ve met plenty of good looking, seemingly outgoing men who think they are unlovable. The outcome is that they self-sabotage new relationships or opportunities because they don’t think they are good enough. Comparing yourself to Magic Mike is going to get you nowhere. Being fit and healthy is one thing, being obsessed with unrealistic physical goals will always make you feel you’re not good enough. The key here is to look at the evidence and not get caught up in the fantasy. A top male model I work with told me he avoids seeing friends and family for three months when he is preparing for a swimwear campaign, as his workout and diet is so tough it puts him into a foul mood and gives him uncontrollable wind. (He’s happy for me to share this with you!). That’s the reality. For us mere mortals it’s not a way to live – so why would you want to?

Do something that makes you happy.

One outcome of self-sabotaging behaviour is that we stop doing stuff we enjoy. Let’s face it, it’s easier to lie on the sofa or to repeat anonymous routines (Grindr, clubbing), because we’ve lost the confidence to do the things we want to do … which we’ll probably end up sabotaging anyway. So you know what I’m going to tell you … it’s time to start doing something you really enjoy. It could be a hobby you gave up when you first came to London – pottery making … fishing … tap dancing classes … whatever. The excuse that these hobbies are not ‘cool’ or don’t fit in with your London life is just more self-sabotaging behaviour. Not having something in our life that brings us joy makes no sense at all. My advice is if it makes you happy, start stamp collecting again.

Richard Hughes Hypnotherapy – Barbican – 07970245899