Giving head(lines): Bourgeois and Maurice do the news
Hello and welcome to another edition of Stuff That Happened In The World That You Might Have Missed. It’s been a VERY busy week for humanity, so let’s just crack on shall we?Cilla Black
The nation’s true sweetheart (you hear that Cheryl Fernandez Versini?) passed away this week at the too early age of 71. Cilla Black was, and will always be, the sound of Saturday night entertainment at its most glorious. When we heard the sad news we were reminded of the time we had dinner with Cilla and Paul O’ Grady at a restaurant in London Bridge. When we say ‘had dinner’ we mean we saw them through the window and waved, and they didn’t wave back. It was a moment to cherish forever.
Prime Minister’s Questions
A nationally coordinated investigation has been set up into allegations that the former Prime Minister Sir Edward Heath abused young boys. What the actual fuck. Seriously. WTF. Our hearts are made of 80% stone and 90% crude oil, and even we can’t get our heads around the darkness that this story entails. Is it a witch hunt? Did the Prime Minister sexually abuse young boys? Was every single British man alive in the 1970s a paedophile?
Good Price My Friend
Back in 2008 Royal Bank of Scotland bankers were spending way too much time looking at 55378008 upside down on their calculators and ended up getting all their maths and numbers stuff wrong. Turns out they didn’t have any money, but they really, really needed it. A bit like the way poor, disabled, sick people need it, but with nicer teeth. The mythical British taxpayer came to the rescue and bought the majority of the bank, for approximately £5 per share, which was cool and we all loved finally owning our own cashpoint and getting on the bank ladder. However, little-daddy-slime-bucks George Osborne has said enough is enough on all this bank babysitting stuff, it’s time to go back into the hands of the people who can look after it best – bankers! So, he has started selling off our shares for £3 each, which means those lucky city folk are getting a total end of season deal. The UK taxpayer on the other hand is losing approximately £1bn. On the other side of the dirty pound coin, the argument is that bailing out RBS was always going to lose money, but better that it stayed open then the chaos and costs that could have ensued if it had closed. Oh, whatever. We hate to break it to you all, but just like God, MONEY ISN’T REAL. Instead get yourself a calculator and say…
There was a girl who was 13 and she was a bra size 84, but wanted to be size 45. She went to the doctor and the doctor said 0, take these 2 tablets, but she x by 4 and she ended up…
Boobless
The UK’s first ‘Museum of Women’s History’ was due to open in East London this week. However, there was an itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny-yellow-polka-dot-bikini change to the original plan. Instead of all that dullsville Her-Story crap, the owners decided to go for a cooler, fresher, more jokesy violence-against-women vibe. As such London’s trendy East End now has a new Jack the Ripper Museum, in a part of London’s trendy East End nowhere near to where any of the murders took place (so what, this is HIS-tory, women don’t understand geography). Both Tower Hamlets Council and the architect who designed the original plans say they were misled by the owner, and had no idea about the change of focus. Luckily for humanity a group of protesters boycotted the opening amidst a glorious bra-burning mash up of Sister Suffragette and Run The World (probably, we weren’t there. We hate confrontation). The twat owner, twattishly named Mark Palmer-Edgecumbe, a former diversity chief of twat Google, told The Evening Standard: “It is not celebrating the crimes of Jack the Ripper but looking at why and how the women got in that situation in the first place.” It was probably what they were wearing Mark. What a twat dick.
Kids Company
Celebrity pattern enthusiast Camila Batmanghelidjh has shut up shop on her Kids Company charity amidst a storm of alleged financial mismanagement and investigations into child abuse carried out by a former client of Kids Company. Camila, meanwhile, claims to have information relating to the child abuse claims against senior members of the establishment. She says her knowledge of the scandal is what prompted one major donor to withdraw £3million of funding from Kids Company. We don’t have all the facts but, basically, the moral of this story seems to be that everyone is, at heart, awful.
Celebrity breakups
Sad news this week as it was announced that some inanimate fabric-covered toys with hands up their arse were ending their imaginary relationship. We’re talking, of course, about the revelation that Posh won’t be joining the other Spice Girls for their 20th anniversary reunion tour to pay off their tax bills.
Lenny Kravitz cock ring
This column is generally geared towards all you hard working mums and fags who just don’t have time to follow the news and also sort of don’t give a flying fuck about what’s going on in the world but feel like you should pretend. But we know you’ll have been following the Lenny Kravitz story. This is THE story. The headline of 2015. The headline to define a generation. We know you’ve watched that gif seventeen thousand times. You’ve gasped at the sight of those spray-on leather trousers being wrenched apart by the forces of nature. You’ve screamed with shock and awe as, in slow motion, the fleshy essence of Lenny’s manhood unleashes itself from its sweaty prison to dangle like a dead snake with…what is that? A cock ring? Oh. Oh no. Click escape, make it stop, that’s not we’d imagined. Not what we’d dreamed about at all. Sorry. Nothing to see here.
OK that was the news, thanks for tuning in. Tell your friends, we’re here all week.