Giving Head(lines): Bourgeois & Maurice do the news
Welcome, homosexualists, to our new column here at Attitude Dot Com. Each week we, Bourgeois & Maurice, will read the news so you don’t have to, cos tbh it makes a change from refreshing Facebook every three seconds and our counsellor said we should do something nice for other people for a change.
So here’s a snapshot of the week that was. Cast your single, creepy, roving eyeball over the bare naked facts below, and then repeat them to your colleagues when conversation dries up. You could also use this knowledge to impress a hot date if the hot date is, like, beautiful but really stupid.
The Queen’s Speech
Queenie-face opened Parliament and did another one of her infamous LOLsville speeches (Industry fact – she has people to write those jokes for her. Sorry to shatter the illusion). We thought the set and costume design this year was very strong – a golden throne and jewel encrusted crown were the perfect accessories to a speech about austerity and budget cuts. Theatrics aside, for the most part we thought the content of the speech was reasonable. We can handle being watched 24/7 (who doesn’t like the attention?); we can handle the authorities deciding who has the right to strike (mummy knows best); we can handle putting illegal immigrants in jail (better there than working); but criminalising balloons? Oh, that’s just plain old mean. What next – poppers?!
FIFA
Seven senior FIFA executives have been arrested on allegations of bribery and corruption. So far so exciting. But here’s the first problem with this story – deep down in its rotten heart it’s basically about football and that’s our trigger word. ‘Football’. Just typing it made Bourgeois’ head spin a full 360 before he started spewing this morning’s WKD Blue across the room.
But try to block out those PE lesson flashback nightmares for a minute cos this scandal is actually next level. There are allegations of $150million worth of bribes and investigations into awarding World Cup bids to some super shady countries (like Qatar, a country whose track record with human rights is only marginally more impressive than Madonna doing stand up).
Now FIFA president Sepp Blatter has resigned, which is probably just coincidence and definitely not because he’s found himself in more shit than the darkest dungeon in Vauxhall could possibly ever hold.
On a different note, this is literally the grimmest collection of old men we’ve ever seen in our lives. Millions of dollars of bribes and not one of them thought about getting any work done? Just look at them! It’s like a line up for Operation Yewtree. If we had millions of dollars we’d look like Bruce Caitlyn Jenner going through a wind tunnel.
Which brings us on to…
Caitlyn Jenner
If you couldn’t get online on Monday it’s because the internet was shut down. Totally. Literally. Remember that scene in Jurassic Park where Laura Dern has to go into that room with all the power supply and a dead man’s arm falls on her? That’s basically what happened when Caitlyn Jenner appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair. She set that power dial to ‘hey world look the fuck at me’ setting and the world did just that, and was uncharacteristically supportive and understanding about her transformation. Except for Fox News obviously, because Fox News is presented by the sort of hateful freaks who drink children’s blood for breakfast and shop at M&M’s World.
Catholic Church
After Ireland voted overwhelmingly to force all gays to marry, the Catholic Church is having to rethink its status in the country. Apparently they are worried they aren’t connecting with young people anymore. Um, guys, seriously, stop focusing on young people. It‘s really not helping your brand.
And the biggest story this week…
Middle of the Road
Bored of the news? Us too! We’ll be back with more of the same next week but don’t cry while we’re gone cos you can still come and hang out with us IRL at Soho Theatre, starting tonight! We’ve teamed up with super-genius David Hoyle to celebrate normalness – think Mumford & Sons, think tan slip-on loafers, think magnolia paint. Watch the trailer below, then come get ablandised.