Giving head(lines): Bourgeois & Maurice on the week’s news
By Will Stroude
Another week, another stream of outraged article headlines in your Facebook feed. Struggling to keep up with what’s what? No worries babes, we’re here to guide you through the week’s biggest headlines, with all the boring facts taken out.
BUD-JIT
It’s no secret we love a bit of dirrrrrty budget talk. But for most people just the sound of those two syllables is enough to have them retching into their overdraft. Luckily the government adds some showbiz sparkle to the whole tedious affair by sending George Osborne out with a big red briefcase like he’s about to host a game show on Channel 5. The sort of show Noel Edmunds would turn down for being too confusing and cheap looking. Anyway, here’s the facts:
- No one in fashionable circles says Minimum Wage anymore. It’s ‘Living Wage’ now. (When we say fashionable circles we don’t, of course, mean the fashion industry itself. That is entirely staffed for free by a workforce of girls called Camilla and Flick, who can wear leather miniskirts with flowing, faded damson coloured hair, in a way that you and we can not.)
- The inheritance tax threshold has been raised to £1million, so you can order that family-sized bottle of Arsenic from the dark internet now without fear of having to pass all your winnings on to Mr Osborne.
- The welfare budget has had less of a shave and more of a full back, sack and crack, with cuts of £12billion. TWELVE BILLION POUNDS? Jeeezuz, those guys really hate Not-Hard Working Non-Families. Coincidentally £12billion is how much we charge to play at a Tory wedding (and yeah, we get asked a lot).
Sound of the Underground
It was a big week for the London Underground, marking ten years since the 7/7 terrorist attacks which brought the city to a standstill and saw Londoners unite, followed 24 hours later by industrial strike action from tube staff, which also brought the city to a standstill and saw Londoners whinge harder than Kendall Fucking Jenner if she was catapulted into a Wetherspoons in Moss Side. Most people seem to take issue with the idea that drivers are striking over pay, which they kinda aren’t, they’re striking over plans to cut 850 jobs while at the same time bringing in 24 hour rotas which would see staff working irregular patterns, thus doing all sorts of weird shit to their personal life and mental wellbeing, with little consultation on their thoughts on the matter. Aww who are we kidding? We don’t give a shit about worker’s rights, just get us back from Fire at 5am without smashing into a tunnel wall.
Justin Bieber showed his bum
In a move that will be remembered for generations as a milestone in the fight for male empowerment, Justin Bieber posted a picture of his bare ass on Instagram. Over two million Beliebers liked the image, complimenting Justin on the fantastic composition and the extraordinary interplay of light and shadow. Number One True Belieber and art critic Stephanie told us “To me the image represents Justin’s confidence and strength to be who he is, and celebrate the naked physical form. I wish all pop stars would have the self-belieb to follow his lead. Except the women pop stars because that would seem desperate and slutty and I’d have to spend a week discussing their body shape in the Daily Mail comment boards.”
The Road From Damascus
This week the UN refugee agency, UNHCR, announced that the total number of Syrian refugees who’ve fled the war into neighbouring countries, has reached over 4 million. We’ve done some investigative journalism (wikipedia) and found that this is roughly the same number as the population of the Republic of Ireland, which blows our putrid little minds. UNHCR has also said they only have 25% of the funding they need to give all these people the bare essentials to stay alive. It’s hard, nigh impossible, to find something funny or clever to say about this total headfuck of a situation. So we won’t. We’re cunty, but only to people who deserve it.
D’ya like that little bit of Ritalin Quaalude?
1980s cuddly funny family man turned serial sex offender Bill Cosby is being investigated into allegations of historical sex abuse. Um, hello America, but we’ve kind of already done that with Jimmy Saville playing the lead. It’s like the US version of The Office all over again. According to our sources (an article we read on the Guardian) over 24 woman have come forward to say that Cosby drugged them, and then did bad things. And Cosby himself has admitted to giving Quaaludes to women, which you’d think would make his journey to the cells pretty swift. However, like all good comedians, Cosby’s legal team know that the issue here is not one of facts, but of timing, because in the US sex crimes have a best before date. If victims don’t report it by a certain time, well then it’s just too late, it never happened. You snooze you lose victims! (New catchphrase for Cosby, maybe?)
Right we’re off to solve the Greek economic crisis now, see you on the dancefloor later. Remember, if you see a headline that needs the shit read into it, tweet us at @bourgmaurice
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