Giving head(lines) Bourgeois & Maurice take on Putin and Kim-Jong
Hi there babeseseseses,
We’ve found the perfect news items for you this week, they’re totally your colour and really suit your body shape. You should definitely get them, honestly you’ll look great. Returns not accepted.
Take us to your leader
Over 610,000 people are now registered to vote in the Labour leadership contest. That’s almost double the number of people who voted in the 2010 leadership contest. 88,000 of them still need to be vetted to check they’re actually eligible for membership, and not just joining so they can vote for “Satanic socialist” (© Daily Mail) Jeremy Corbyn in an attempt to ‘destroy Labour from the inside’; a phrase which sounds a bit S&M/NSFW/gross when we put it in inverted commas like that. Tony Blair has said that Jeremy Corbyn will annihilate Labour if he wins, and if anyone’s gonna know about that it’s Blair – he perfected the skill years ago.
Kim Jong-unbelievable
North Korea’s premier Scottee lookalike Kim Jong-un has proved he’s not just a pretty haircut by reportedly executing another member of his inner circle. Sources have stated that Vice Premier Choe Yong-gon was executed back in May, but news has only just reached Western media cos North Korea’s PR department can be a bit shit sometimes. Apparently, they just spend all day tweeting about the Great North Korean Bake Off and painting their nails with the blood of ex-officials. It’s thought Choe Yong-gon was killed because he expressed ‘discomfort’ about Kim Jong-un’s tree-planting policy, which involved bulldozing them all and erecting forests of marble Kimmy statues instead (probably… it’s hard to get the facts from these guys). We’ve always found Kim Jong-un to be one of the less likeable World’s Most Evil Dictators, but we changed our mind a bit when we heard he executed his uncle for ‘half-hearted clapping’ – as similarly beloved public figures, driven insane by our egos, we empathise with that one.
Incidentally, have we told you about our tyrannical political leader-themed catsuit company, Whether You Lycra It or Not? Here’s a photo of Bourgeois modelling the Vladimir Putin range. We’re working on a distribution deal with Primark now.
Trans-Atlantic
America’s most-hated transgenderist Chelsea Manning is allegedly facing an indefinite period in solitary confinement for flouting the custody rules of her prison sentence. The violations include possessing a copy of Vanity Fair, whose cover star is America’s most-loved transgenderist Caitlyn Jenner. If you can’t remember who is who between Manning and Jenner, we’ve got a quick guide: Manning is serving a 35 year military prison sentence for exposing the dark and disturbing secrets of global governments. Jenner is serving Gucci-realness. You’re welcome.
A Level results
Lots of recently deflowered people found out their A Level results this week. It’s been a while since we entered a school (we can’t cross the threshold unless invited), but apparently the final grade classifications changed slightly when Michael Gove was Education Secretary. Rather than boring old A, B, C blah blah blah, it’s now a much clearer, less interpretive system. There’s VT (Very Thick), T (Thick), M (Meh), C (Clever) and CD (Clever Dick). We recently regraded our school results and found out that we were M’s, but with the self-delusion of a CD. Funnily enough, so is Michael Gove.
Nuclear seasons
This week marked 70 years since the USA dropped nuclear bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Some people have argued that this was a pivotal moment in history as it showed warmongers that nuclear weapons aren’t as fun as they look, and maybe should be approached with a bit more caution in future. That makes sense. It’s like when you’re a kid and you pull a dog’s tail until it barks in your face, and you learn never to do it again. Only a bit different cos obviously this was done by full grown adults, not kids, and killed 200,000 people. But yes, some people, we take your point.
Well that’s it. We hope you liked them. If we’re honest, we don’t think they really flattered your arms, but that’s probably your own fault.
x
P.S. Tweet us, we’re needy. @bourgmaurice