Joe Stone: ‘All my favourite gay bars are shutting up shop’
A selection of popular Attitude print columnist Joe Stone’s missives will from now on be available to read online here at attitude.co.uk. If you like what you read here, you can sink your teeth into Joe’s latest column by grabbing the issue it appeared in at Pocketmags.com/Attitude (digital).
Look, I know you’re not allowed to mention living in London without a thousand readers instantly declaring that you’re elitist scum and reminding you that OTHER PLACES EXIST YOU MORON, but hear me out.
I know other places exist, because I used to live in one of them and it was – by and large – awful. Until I was 18 I resided in a rural part of the midlands where next door’s dog getting her head stuck in our fence passed for entertainment. Buses didn’t even pass through my village, let alone stop. So perhaps it’s no surprise that when I was growing up all I wanted to do was get to a city, surround myself with other hysterical gay guys and go to bars where there was the chance that you could request a Geri Halliwell song without getting lynched.
Imagine my dismay now that I live in London – a city I dreamt about with the hunger that Gwyneth Paltrow surely dreams about cheeseburgers – and the gay metropolis I’d lusted after is being slowly dismantled around me. At least, that’s what it feels like. In January, The Joiners Arms on Hackney Road closed its weird PVC flapped doors for the last time, six years after I moved into a flat opposite specifically so I could go there at least three times a week. Now, one of my favourite pubs The Nelson’s Head, which looks a bit like your gran’s house if your gran had been a klepto, is apparently facing closure too. The Yard, at once awful and brilliant, has fought against being bulldozed down and made into flats. Madame Jojo’s has already gone as part of the redevelopment (sterilisation) of Soho. I could go on, but I have a word count to keep to.
Obviously the transformation of London from somewhere that vibrates with possibility to a life-sized Monopoly game for tax dodgers is a city-wide problem. But what does it mean for gay people when all our spaces are gone? Not all gay people want to escape the suburbs, but many do. Where will they go? On top of commercial concerns, there’s speculation that there’s less need for gay venues because we’ve successfully assimilated into the rest of society. But who wants to assimilate? I reserve my right to slut-drop to Sophia Grace while drag queens do gack off their acrylics, dammit. That’s what being an adult is all about, isn’t it?
It’s not just London, or even the UK. Gay bars everywhere from New Zealand to Baltimore are closing, and blaming hook-up apps for their decline in profitability. I’m a fan of Grindr as much as the next dick-pic loving homo, but I’d choose a lifetime critiquing Taylor Swift videos in G-A-Y over an awkward fumble in a new build any day. Obviously, like apps, gay clubs are great places to meet people for sex. But, unlike apps, gay clubs are also great places to meet amazing people that you don’t fancy, who – news flash – are still worth knowing. Women, for example. Plus, you can’t do Beyonce’s Run The World routine from inside your iPhone.
It’s not all bad news. New venues near me, like The Glory, are attempting to fill the void. Sink The Pink is still the most fun you can have getting glitter under your foreskin and newcomer Hi Hun continues to blaze a brave new path by hosting unofficial perfume launches for ex-members of Atomic Kitten. I imagine there’s fun stuff going on wherever you are too (unless you’re my old neighbour, in which case, soz). Wouldn’t it be a shame if all of that went?
WORDS BY JOE STONE