Paul Foot’s guide to dating famous a famous gay man
Comedian Paul Foot offers up a tongue-in-cheek guide about how to behave if you should bag yourself a boyfriend who’s in the public eye…
I was on the Attitude websyte recently, reading about how Tamal from Great British Bake Off is a single homosexual, and thanks to television exposure, quite famous. In other words: JUST LIKE ME! I’m not so good at the petit fours; my signature dish is ‘Isle of White’ pie. It’s a pie that uses every single white kind of food, including toothpaste.
While exploring the Attitude websyte it occurred to me that nobody has written a gay dating guide for famous gays, and I have quite a few little stories to get off my chest on this topic. This guide also applies to people who want to date famous gays. It is useless for anyone else, but you’re probably going to read it anyway because you, like me, have nothing better to do. So, here it is:
PAUL FOOT’S GUIDE TO DATING FAMOUS GAY PEOPLE
1. Do not talk shop the whole time
I’m not talking about talking about actual shops: I could happily spend a whole day doing that, in fact I did quite recently. I’m talking about my profession, comedy. If I date somebody who works, say, in renewable energy, I might expect them to talk about it sometimes, but hopefully not all that much. “How was the presentation? Went well? Oh good. Now for Christ sake let’s discuss our favourite ever aeroplane crashes!”
2. Beware of foot fanatics
This might only apply to famous gay people with the name Foot, so it is quite niche, but on Grindr (yes I am on it, representing Buckinghamshire – the nearest person is 16 miles away; and she’s a housewife called Barbara pretending to be a man and wasting everyone’s time) I was once told by someone that he was a foot fetishist. I sent him a photograph of my foot and he blocked me. To this day I do not know whether A) He did not like my foot, or B) He was taking the mickey and was then terrified to discover that I’d taken him at face/foot value.
3. Famous people are terrible at sex
Apart from those who are famous FOR sex, obviously. People often assume all famous people to be fantastic in bed. It’s not true. I’m hopeless at sex which is why I decided to earn my living from comedy, rather than doing sex professionally. Come to think of it, sex is one of the few things in life for which it’s embarrassing if you get so good at it that you turn professional. It’s better to remain an enthusiastic amateur.
4. Don’t expect famous people to pay for everything
Yes, alright. I admit – I did do a big corporate gig on Monday to a room full of retired astronauts. But do you know how quickly I burnt through that £250? Just one antique hobby horse on eBay, bidding over-zealously while drunk on Merlot, and it’s gone! As you become more famous, it becomes more expensive to just be you. My teeth have to be whitened, I employ people, I’m expected to bring bottles of wine over the £6 mark to birthdays. I’m an unusual celebrity too in that I pay tax. I was better off when I was a student! Sometimes I tweet about eating in Pied a Tèrre when actually I’m in Amersham rummaging through bins. In other words, “BLOW YOUR STUDENT LOAN ON ME AND THEN BLOW ME BITCH!!!” – sorry, that was Penny speaking, my hairdresser alter-ego. She’s bisexual. Ye can see her on my websyte.
5. No need to try and be funny to me all night
…Just because I’m a comedian. If you dated Tom Daley, presumably you wouldn’t drag him down to your local swimming pool and show him how you dive? Actually, that would be quite good. This boy last year was trying to make some long joke about the menu in a restaurant, I put my hand firmly on his windpipe and said – “I need to stop you there love. All I care about is your penis.”
6. Never ask me about other famous people
Because I totally don’t know them! A man asked me what it was like working with Mena Suvari. Despite sitting next to her on a TV show, I know very little about her. Yes, I know her name and that she’s probably a singer, actress or model, but that is it. Before a recording or show I sit in my dressing room, either working on my paintings, eating sushi in abject silence or hitting my worker with a selection of beauty products. If you want to talk about Brahms, Sibelius, Mendelssohn or Rachmaninov then pull a chair up baybayyyy – we can have a right good bitch! But “let me tell you about the time Tinie Tantrum asked a runner for a bottle of mineral water” does not an exciting dinner story make.
Paul Foot’s UK tour is visiting London, Salford, Brighton, Norwich, Canterbury and Southend. www.paulfoot.tv
