The Amazing Denise Welch Column: CBB, boobs and brrrrr!

Denise on… Celebrity Big Brother

Well, I thought I spent most of my time in the Celebrity Big Brother house feeling blue! But Casey and Jasmine have taken it to new levels with their ridiculous infighting over Lee Ryan. I tweeted last week that I really liked Casey and felt sorry for her after Lothario Lee jumped spaceship and sneakily took Jas (Jizz to her friends) off to the toilets for a chat. However, her delusion that Lee still fancies her is in danger of giving her bunny boiler status and Lee clearly needs to watch his back after his release. I’m loving this series of CBB – having survived three-and-a-half weeks in there myself, it’s great watching from the comfort of my armchair. I quite enjoyed my first week in the house as you are stripped of phones, books, computers and TV and it’s a welcome escape from the chaos of normal life. Everyone seemed nice enough, and we had a laugh. However, as nominations and evictions begin, the dynamic in the house changes and people’s true colours emerge. I might be many things, and I admit to them all, but I’m not a bully or a bitch and I was in there with both. The American actor Michael Madsen hated me, and although it was horrible being stuck in there with him and those ridiculous Playboy twins, I can see how the conflict was compulsive viewing as I am now a viewer myself. As this CBB is one of the most sex-filled series ever, maybe the horror of me getting my tits out will be forgotten and replaced with Lionel Blair in rubber!

I always had compulsive flashing disorder when I drank, and I couldn’t believe it when it made front-page news and caused such “outrage” when I came out of the house. I often run along beaches in the summer playing keepy-uppy with my baggy boobs, and no one’s batted an eyelid. Jasmine had her puppies out in the first hour, and they’re a damn sight prettier than mine, so I’m sure that my hot tub moment will no longer be in the 50 most shocking CBB moments. As I hated my CBB experience so much, people ask me if there were any highlights at all. There was: Michael Madsen’s face on hearing “the winner of CBB is… Denise Welch”. Result!

Denise on… Loose Women
Now that Jane McDonald’s joined Carol McGiffin and me and left Loose Women, we can look forward to “younger” faces on the panel to replace those, and I quote, who are “too old, too white and too posh”! Too posh? I suppose that rules out Honey Boo Boo then!

Denise on… being recognised by fans
As my eldest son Matt is enjoying such success with his band The 1975, and my youngest Louis is about to hit the West End in The Full Monty, I’m quite enjoying kicking back and watching them save up for my Shady Pines care home in Beverly Hills. However, I didn’t expect things to change quite so soon. On a recent trip to LA with my dad, I took him onto Hollywood Boulevard and as we were looking at the all the stars on the Walk of Fame we were approached by a family from Yorkshire that had spotted me. Obviously after 150 years as an actress, I’m used to this and happily got ready for a photo. What I wasn’t expecting was for the mum to grab me and shout to her daughter, “Look who it is – it’s Matt’s mum!”. I’ve only been off the telly for two months. That’s showbiz!

Denise on… writing for Attitude
I was thrilled when I was asked to write this column for Attitude as I’m a huge fan of the magazine. Especially as I believe I hold the record score for the How Gay Are You? page (Fact: Denise is 129% gay – Ed.). At the end it said: “Denise Welch is not just a gay man trapped in a woman’s body – she is a gay man.” I wonder if this photo of me and my dad Raquel had anything to do with it?

Denise on… the weather
Can I just point out that the reason we are having this bad weather is because it’s winter. Of course I feel sorry for Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee that their house has flooded for the third time. I returned to my house a few years ago to find my underwear floating around my lounge. Bad weather always happens in winter, but the press seem to have just discovered this phenomenon. A weatherman wrapped up like Ranulph Fiennes was reporting from New York City as if the end of the world was nigh as it was colder here than Alaska.

In 1996, I was holed up in my hotel in New York with my then six-year-old son for three days as they couldn’t move the snow and ice from the front door. When we finally got out there were no cars on the road, and people were skiing up 5th Avenue – in fact, the ski shops were the only shops open. It was called the Blizzard of ’96 and was the worst weather in years, apparently. I remember I had a presenting job back in the UK and eventually had to do my interview with Hunter from Gladiators over the phone. Obviously a cracking job! When we eventually got to JFK airport, we were gutted when we were told our flight was delayed for 24 hours. But not half as gutted as I was when I realised I was going to be sitting next to Julie Goodyear on the flight home…

Anyway, as soon as the ridiculous BRRRRR-ITAIN FREEZES! headlines are over, we can look forward to WHAT A SCORCHER! headlines when the UK basks in tropical temperatures of possibly up to 72 degrees!

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