The five signs you’re addicted to gay dating apps

With his acclaimed stand-up show Grindr: A Love Story opening at Soho Theatre next week, Australian comedian Nath Valvo ‘fesses up about his addiction to dating apps, exclusively on attitude.co.uk…I’m addicted to a dating app.

My Oprah “Aha!” moment went down like this.

A while back a good friend of mine’s grandfather died. To show our support for her myself and a few other friends attended his funeral.

During the service, while a family member was delivering the eulogy to a quiet and sad church, a sound suddenly popped out from my pocket that echoed off the walls. A sound that my other friends recognised instantly. Yep, it was the Grindr message tone.

Whoops.

I got a number of dirty looks from those sitting around me, while another good friend silently mouthed to me “You fucking idiot”.

That’s not the worst part. Instead of ignoring it and turning my phone off in embarrassment, I quickly checked the message.

Whoops.

This was my rock (power) bottom moment. It was clear I was addicted this bloody app. Whether it be Growlr or Scruff or Cruzr or Daddy Hunt or Jew Swipe (yes, that’s an actual thing) the signs you’re addicted to a gay dating app are universal and obvious.

Here are five of the tell-tale signs (apart from checking Grindr at a funeral) that you should probably turn your phone off for a while:
1. “I’ve arrived!”

Passing through a new suburb, you log on to the app – marking your territory like a dog weeing on a tree. “New meat, girls.”

2. “I’ve seen that head before!”

One time, I realised I’d swapped
cock pics with the waiter
serving my family and I at my Mum’s birthday dinner. Awks.

But it’s not just waiters. It’s realising you’ve swapped cock pics with the homo checking in your luggage at the airport, or the guy working the counter at TopShop. It’s walking into a gay bar and realising you’ve sent pics of ya knob to the bouncer, the bar staff, the DJ and quite possibly your Uber driver taking you home at the end of the night. Imagine if you could see what was being sent through the air on these apps. We’d be living on a planet of flying cocks. It’d be like the butterfly enclosure at a zoo… but with cocks.

3. “Who’s next?!”

You’ve checked your app for a hook-up in the
 toilet – while you’re at a
hook-up’s house. Classic.

4. “Maybe I’ll just stay in tonight.”

Here’s something users of location-based hook-up apps know only too well: you can work out how far in
distance a gay club is from
 your house based on the amount of guys
that are that exact distance away on a particular night.

Once I worked this out, I started staying in on weekends and waiting til about 1 AM to log on. Those on the app are clearly drunk and not happy with the options at the club – time for you to swoop in and save on club entry fee! Good idea right?

5. “God, anyone will do.”

When drunk, horny & desperate, you
click “recent chats” to see if there was someone you said no to
 sober but are now happy to settle for in a more… thirsty state of mind. Warning: Results may vary.

Any of these symptoms ring a bell? Comedian Nath Valvo’s hilarious stand-up show, Grindr: A Love Story, plays at Soho Theatre from November 25 – December 5. 

Words by NATH VALVO