The five stages of a break-up – and how to get through them

In this article – which first appeared in issue three of aTEEN, Attitude’s digital mag for young gay men – writer (and recent breakup survivor) Robbie Dalgetti offers up the five stages of a break-up – and tools for getting through each one intact…

If you search the internet during your very devastating post-break up period you will probably come across various articles telling you how to cope. These articles will normally be loaded with condescending phrases like ‘you’ll be back to yourself in no time’ or ‘it’s wasn’t you, it was him’ and contain no actual information about the key stages of a break up that everyone must know. So to avoid lying in bed alone with a box of Kleenex for another month, here’s some first hand advice from me, Robbie Dalgetti. I might not be a psychology graduate but I am a 21-year-old man who has had his heart broken. And it hurt! But I’ve lived through the stages and I think you should know how they really go down.

1. The disgusting upset stage

This is the part immediately following the break up. At this point it is completely appropriate to listen to Taylor Swift on repeat and cry on your best friend’s shoulder. You’re going to want a lot of ice cream and rom coms, not to inspire you to love again, but to get you good and angry at other people’s happiness. Then you can move on to stage two.

2. The anger stage

When I hit my anger stage I got so mad I ripped all of the pictures of my ex and me off my wall. I collected some of his things and trashed them a little before putting them in a bag at the bottom of my wardrobe to be used at a later stage. Don’t listen to people who say anger is a bad thing. It’s therapeutic and it makes you see your ex through the ‘Red Haze’ which is actually a more realistic view to have of them in comparison to the ‘Love Haze’ you used to see them through. At this point you will realise he was an asshole and you deserve so much better.

3. The ‘get over someone by getting under someone else’ stage

This is most commonly known as the slut phase, but I prefer to look at it is as the bridge from sad and alone to single and happy. No matter what people say, getting all hot and sweaty with someone else is necessary. Feeling someone else touch you makes you feel wanted, desirable and sexy. I’m not saying have sex with every guy you chat to on Grindr, just enjoy yourself and be safe. After all you’re young and single so why shouldn’t you mingle?

4. The enlightenment stage

This is the part when you realise just how good you have it. Being out of a relationship for a couple of months now means you have probably spent most of your time having fun with your friends. You can look back at your life from the break up until now. All that stands out is the fun alcohol fuelled nights with your favorite people in the world. You realise that single life is actually pretty fun and you can see that you’re doing so much better now than you were when you were with your ex. At this point you should probably dig out that bag of his stuff, put it in a pot and set fire to it out your apartment window. Honestly, there’s no better feeling!

5. The ‘I know what I want’ stage

It’s now been three or four months, your loving life and you’ve been having fun. At this stage you become realistic and selfish. No longer will you go on a date with a guy unless he is 100% what you are looking for. You probably compromised some of your own relationship goals to be with your ex, and look how that turned out. Being the nice guy all the time never ends well, and now you know that. It’s time to open your mind to your next relationship, only this time you can make sure you’re getting what you want out of it. Never settle for anything less than what you want because in the long run if you’re not getting what you want you won’t be happy. As Nicki Minaj once said, “selfish people live longer”.

So there you have it, the five stages of a break up… as told by me. Hopefully they help you with your break up and make you see that, although it might feel like the end of the world right now, there is a whole world of opportunity ahead of you, as well as some fun-filled stages.

Words by (recently broken up) Robbie Dalgetti.