Gay relationship psychology, changing attitudes: Confidence to find your relationship

PROMOTIONAL FEATURELemarc ThomasManaging DirectorSeventy Thirty, Exclusive International Matchmakingwww.seventy-thirty.comWith a background in Psychology, Lemarc (pictured) runs Seventy Thirty, Exclusive Matchmaking Company, with a team of Psychologists coaching and matching those of affluence and influence around the world. In association with Attitude’s Marriage Channel, Lemarc presents a short series of articles from his experience and expertise with Gay Relationships; Changing Attitudes.info@seventy-thirty.com0207 753 7631

As matchmakers, we are always keen to discuss how to find the right relationship. For the final article in our Gay Relationships series, we look at a major factor that will help form a connection: the confidence to embrace vulnerability.

Reviewing hundreds of testimonials on what people are seeking in a relationship, confidence is one of the biggest themes that arises. We are attracted to confidence, it’s sexy, reassuring and tells us this person is a catch. When clients tell me that they want someone with confidence, many interject “but not arrogance”, that’s a turnoff. We are attracted to quiet confidence that says “I’ve got it but I don’t need to show it”.

Rarely do people say that they are looking for vulnerability. However, I have often thought that when one shows an element of vulnerability, they are open and, naturally, we are more likely to connect. From observation and experience in helping people find relationships, I find that those who are confident enough to embrace vulnerability have most success attracting others. We all have vulnerabilities and when we can see vulnerability in others we are able to relate to them. If someone maintains an image of perfection and never lets their guard down, it makes it harder to connect.

Sociologist, Dr Brené Brown, in a decade of qualitative research, observed a difference in those who shared a strong sense of love and belonging with those who struggled to find it. Simply put, those who had a strong sense of love and belonging believed they were worthy of it.

When we feel that we are not worthy, inevitably we inhibit ourselves from forming healthy connections. Negative thoughts may get too much attention: I’m not good enough; I’m not attractive enough; I’m not smart enough; I’m not worthy. In cognitive behavioural therapy, we know that our thoughts affect how we feel and behave. So, in thinking that you are not good enough, you might feel low and then decide not to talk to the guy whose eye you caught at the wine bar, because he’ll probably reject you.

If you think you are not good enough and the person brushes you off, they have confirmed your negative belief. We can be so hard on ourselves sometimes that, we might go ahead and have that conversation, but, knowing that we are not good enough, give a half-hearted attempt in a self-fulfilling prophecy to be rejected.

By changing the way we think, and training our brains to smile at the negative thoughts (which we all have) and replace them with more helpful ones, we will feel more confident and act in ways to achieve our goal – wholeheartedly. Those who think they are worthy are happy to spark conversation, having confidence that they will be liked. They don’t allow the outcome of such an encounter to have much power over their self-worth.

In order for connection to happen, we need to let ourselves be seen. However that means embracing vulnerability; having the confidence to show weakness knowing that it will gain us respect and trust.

Brené suggests that we should:

• Have courage to be imperfect
• Have compassion to be kind to ourselves first and then others
• Make connections as a result of authenticity
• Embrace vulnerability knowing that what makes us vulnerable makes us beautiful

Confidence is attractive. Perfection is hard to trust. Let’s face it, no one is perfect so when one hides their faults, we start looking for them. Those of us who are not confident, try to mask our vulnerabilities, seeing them as weaknesses. However, Brené believes that when we numb vulnerability, “we also numb the other things such as joy and happiness”. To find a true connection, we have to let ourselves be seen, which means we cannot mask parts of who we are.

We were born confident. It is only with awareness and fear that we have learnt insecurity. Have you ever looked back at the cocky teenager you once were and thought “gosh, what happened to that guy?”  I’m not suggesting that we forget what life experience has taught us, but we can get that confidence back. Practice it. Social Psychologist, Amy Cuddy, suggested a rather fun way to regain confidence and power by taking a few minutes to pose in powerful positions, like a Wonder Woman pose, for example (maybe not in public though). ‘Power posing’ for as little as two minutes, was found to increase testosterone, decrease cortisol, increase appetite for risk and increase performance at job interviews – worth a try I guess. Perhaps before you go out on that date, you should take a few minutes to stand in the mirror in a ‘power pose’ to get your confidence up.

Whatever you are comfortable with, work on your confidence and your self-esteem as that is how you will attract the right people for a healthy relationship.

“With realisation of one’s own potential and self confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world.” The Dalai Lama

BY LEMARC THOMAS