Gay relationship psychology, changing attitudes: Sex and monogamy

PROMOTIONAL FEATURELemarc ThomasManaging DirectorSeventy Thirty, Exclusive International Matchmakingwww.seventy-thirty.comWith a background in Psychology, Lemarc (pictured) runs Seventy Thirty, Exclusive Matchmaking Company, with a team of Psychologists coaching and matching those of affluence and influence around the world. In association with Attitude’s Marriage Channel, Lemarc presents a short series of articles from his experience and expertise with Gay Relationships; Changing Attitudes.info@seventy-thirty.com0207 753 7631

Does our desire for a monogamous relationship conflict with the availability of sex in the gay world? New research from Down Under, interviewing young Australian gay men, suggest there is an internal battle. But, could this tension be a ‘development phase’ for some gay men, motivating sexual exploration so then, in maturity, we settle down into something more stable? Or does this conflict persist throughout our gay lives?

Our last article highlighted that roles are not as defined in gay relationships as they are for heterosexuals. Our straight mates already have a tried and tested template for male/female roles, based on thousands of years of tradition. In gay relationships roles are negotiated based on what is best for the two individuals, which could lead to a healthier power balance.

It is also true that, until now, there had been no model for how a gay relationship should develop. In straight relationships, there is an expected path of getting married, buying a house, having children and living together happily ever after. In gay relationships, although today this same template can easily apply, there are no assumptions that this is how the relationship will pan out. Without institutionalised marriage, non-heterosexuals had constructed alternative relationship models; creating our own future template.

But what does this look like for you? Is your future vision a somewhat heteronormative one? Would you marry? Have children? Do you see yourself with one person forever? Would you be comfortable in an open relationship? Would you prefer your relationship to be open? Could you be in a polyamorous relationship?

Duncan, Prestage and Grierson, 2015, looked at the relational lives of young gay men in Australia, considering social norms and expectations they have grown up with, and, those they have as they begin their lives as gay men. They observed a conflict between the desire for monogamy and the sexual opportunities of ‘the scene’. All the young men interviewed wanted a committed romantic partnership, 85% described monogamy as the basis for such a relationship, based on security and trust. However, these young chaps felt that certain things challenged them:

• We are men and we are biologically more sexually driven
• We want to settle down, but later (at 30)… it’s better to remain single when you’re young
• Sexual exploration is a rite of passage which is the normal part of heterosexual adolescence denied to gay men

All of the gay men coming to Seventy Thirty are seeking long term committed and monogamous relationships. However, we often hear concern that being gay makes it harder to find someone who has more traditional values when it comes to sexual relationships; someone who does not want to have many sexual partners and only wants one person in their future. Some fear that other gay men are too sexually focused; that they want open relationships; they may cheat; that they are promiscuous; that the tension and conflict between monogamy and sexual availability is not just a phase.

In line with the research above, from interviewing hundreds of gay men at Seventy Thirty on the topic, we would agree that the majority are seeking monogamy as the ‘the gold standard’ for a relationship. Sexual intimacy is very important and, from an evolutionary perspective, men are more sexually driven. However, we have evolved to act and behave beyond instinct and desire, also using logic and reason to weigh up the pros and cons of our decisions. Sexual gratification is heightened within the emotional intimacy of a committed relationship, which might be further motivation to remain in one. Whether monogamous or not, having an open mind when it comes to sex is healthy, as is being able to communicate ones desires.

Whatever the vision for a future relationship… whether you want monogamy, to bring in a third party occasionally, an open relationship, or, you want a polyamorous one, as long as you understand and communicate your own boundaries, you can find others who share the same views. Understanding each other’s views and what is acceptable ensures mutuality. We have broken the relationship rules and it’s not worked out too badly for us, so, maybe if we continue to do what is right for us an individuals, rather than what is right for us as a group, maybe we will find mutual capability.