13 signs you need more straight friends in your life

This article first appeared in Attitude issue 286, July 2017.

There comes a point in every homosexual’s life when you realise that perhaps, just maybe, you might need to break away from your queer sistas and actually spend some time with your oft-neglected straight friends.

Don’t knock it; surely it can only help to broaden your life experience. Here are some warning signs that a spot of cultural integration into heterosexual society might not be such a bad idea…

1. You can’t make an affirmative point without ending the sentence with “gurl!”

2. You are eternally disappointed that your grandmother doesn’t have Joan Collins’ sass or that your mother is not Naomi Campbell.

3. The first thing you do when you visit your mum is ask for an iPhone charger.

4. Then you go out for dinner with your parents, your first question to the waiter is “what’s the Wi-Fi password?”

5. Two minutes later, you excuse yourself to go to the toilet to check if the waiter is on Grindr.

6. Speaking of which, after your futile search for the waiter on various apps, you leave the cubicle and find you accidentally used the ladies toilet.

7. When the waiter asks you if you’d like the 8oz steak or 12oz steak, you request the 12 inch. Your dad doesn’t bat an eyelid.

8. When introduced to your girl friend’s hot boyfriend, you steer the conversation to whether he’s ever had any gay experiences.

9. In your humble opinion, this year’s most shocking news story is Valentina’s exit from season nine of RuPaul’s Drag Race. None of your straight friends know what you’re talking about.

10. Your holiday plans involve Madrid Pride, Circuit Party and Mykonos. For the sixth year in a row.

11. Despite your enthralling description of the sex & drug-taking and further sex & drug-taking on said holiday, you clutch your pearls in bemusement when your female friends decline an invitation to come with you.

12. You think everyone is on PrEP. Even Trish in accounts.

13. You start to shit glitter and the unicorns stop returning your calls because you’ve even managed to bore them with your extreme gayness.

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