Mr Plant Geek | The secret dirty world of plants

Michael Perry, aka Mr Plant Geek, set tongues wagging on ITV’s This Morning earlier this year, and now he’s sharing his green-fingered tips with Attitude readers.From home-grown fitness and healthy eating to sprucing up your home and garden, there’s no better expert when it comes to homo horticulture – and this month he’s going to lift the lid on the dirty world of plants…

First up, SEX. Come on, the only reason plants produce such elegant, perfumed flowers is to attract their pollinators. The result of this pollination (sex) is usually a baby… a seed! Most often, bees have a helping hand in this, the kinky little rascals.

Gosh though, the plant world is so smut-ridden it’s hard to discuss growing something without an avalanche of innuendo. Let me tell you a few techniques and see if you can sit there without sniggering: Sowing your seed- its just that, but your dirty mind probably thinks otherwise! Pricking out- the process of lifting your seedling, dividing them, and then re-planting them. Playing with your dibber – making holes with the end of a pencil. Did you avoid giggling through that?

Then there’s how some plants look. Step forward Clitoria ternatea, which looks exactly like what it says on the tin. Gomphocarpus ‘hairy balls isn’t much better either. Chill Willy is quite a sight too, with somewhat stumpy fruits that turn blush red, an will assure you a hot time in your mouth!

Can you imagine how treacherous it must be to work in a garden centre as customers enter the store asking where they can get a ‘Golden Showers Rose’? Turtlehead, Stiffcock, Shaggy Soldier and Shagbark are all real plants too. Do you fancy asking the cashier for them in your local DIY store?

Even worse are some of the names that plants are called – and, I’m talking the Latin now, not the common names. The Romans really were a saucy bunch. The ringleader of the rude plant names has to be Rubus cockburnianus. Yes, this IS a real plant name. The plant is a shrub with wiry silver stems covered in prickles.

Philadelphus erectus is so called because of the upright, ahem, habit. Then there’s Llium superbum, which isn’t named for it’s awesome rear, but superbum actually means ‘super cool’ in Latin! Penstemon whippleanus is the next one to tell you about, imagine what you will with that one!

My new ‘rude botany’ t-shirt range brings about the best and most raucous of these rude plants, and you can now have them scribbled across you breast thanks to my exclusive custom t-shirt range! Wearing a rude botany T is sure to create a talking point next time youre in a bar, supermarket or of course, garden centre.

But, remember, it’s not RUDE, it’s BOTANY!

Get your hands on a t-shirt of your own here and follow Michael on Twitter @mr_plantgeek,

For more Mr Plant Geek on attitude.co.uk click here and be sure to visit mrplantgeek.com.

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