'Western society shames men for being tactile with each other - and that needs to change'

This column first appear in Attitude issues 277, December 2016.

A friend recently said to me: “So many gay men settle for a fuck when what they really want is a cuddle.” Forgetting for a moment that he said it at a funeral, he has a point. For a healthy life, it’s important for humans to regularly feel the sensation of touch.

Our culture discourages men from sharing physical affection with each other and many gay men rely solely on sex to fulfil their skin hunger. So why have we deprived ourselves of one of the most important human sensations? Or are we simply looking in the wrong places?

I grew up in Essex, where I was taught to keep physical contact with male friends to a minimum. This later tied into my terror of being outed as gay. Even now as an out and proud batty boy, there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to be too tactile with other men, out of a fear of making them uncomfortable. But this isn’t the case in all cultures. I was born in Pakistan and when I first went back to visit, at the age of 13, I saw uncles, cousins and young male friends holding hands in public. I remember thinking: ‘that’s a bit gay, ain’t it?’

I can’t even high five someone without feeling awkward.

Pakistan is still governed by homophobic colonial British law, where homosexuality is seen as an unspeakable crime and its very existence is denied. This leaves a weird paradoxical freedom among men. Since homosexuality isn’t attached to an identity, there’s less chances of being “accused” of it, so physical bonding between the guys is a lot more socially acceptable.

In the West, homosexuality has been acknowledged as an identity, but often promoted as a negative one so boys are conditioned to avoid any association with it. And the lack of male-to-male contact, aside from manly sports, is a result of that.

That’s a shame: humans are tactile beings, built to communicate a great deal through touch. When we enjoy skin-to-skin companionship, our body releases oxytocin (which is thought to play a part in romantic attachment and monogamous behaviour).

And we need it now more than ever; in an age where we’re sold the idea that we should be individual atoms pacing through cities obsessed with personal space and isolation. Social media is sometimes our only source of community, but it’s an illusion. I’ve tried spooning my iPhone and it’s not the same, while messaging headless torsos on Grindr doesn’t release oxytocin! Even if we do hook up with someone, it can leave us feeling vacuous and unfulfilled.

Not to say that hook-ups can’t be great, but staying connected after you’ve “done yo business” takes openness and courage. That vulnerable moment when people often bolt is the time where the biggest oxytocin hit is available. Basically, spooning is medicine for the soul, sexual or not.

In a world that teaches guys to “man up” — in other words build walls of emotional distance — let’s not ignore physical intimacy but, instead, deepen our everyday interactions. Fuck high fives. Let’s embrace properly (with consent, obvs). I’m talking chest to chest. Cheek to cheek. Pelvis to pelvis.

And if all else fails, I suggest we move to Pakistan.

You can read Mazwaan’s latest column in the new issue of Attitude, available to download and in shops now. Print copies are available to order globally from newsstand.co.uk/attitude.

‘Western society shames men for being tactile with each other – and that needs to change’

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